Growing hurts, but take the risk

We are all constantly growing and developing. The assumption is we never really grow all the way "up." Growth - or at least the psychological kind - is a normal, natural, and positive part of life.

But it sure seems like a lot of us get stuck at one stage or the other of our growth and development. We've all met the teenager who continues to act like a 5-year-old, or the middle-aged man who still thinks he's a teen.

What's happened? If growing is a natural and never ending process, why is it that people get sidetracked?

Part of the answers lies in an unpleasant truth: growth hurts. Let me explain.

Growing usually takes place in one of two ways: intentionally or unintentionally. Let's start with intentional growth, which is a four-step process.

The first step involves becoming aware of our own strengths and weaknesses. We might do this by reading and reflection, talking with friends, a support group, or counseling.

That can be painful. It isn't easy confronting our failings. If we suspect our weaknesses far outweigh our strengths, it may be less painful not to think about them at all. And we certainly don't want anyone else pointing them out to us.

Assuming we do take this first step, our second step is to target those areas in which we want to work toward growth. We may decide to develop our natural artistic ability - a strength. Or we may want to be less shy - a weakness. The risk is we can become discouraged and overwhelmed by the number of areas we see as needing work, or the amount of growing we realize we need to do. That can be a painful experience as well.

Step three involves action. Having decided which areas we want to work on, we have to go out and do it. We might take art lessons to develop our talent. We might enroll in an assertiveness training workshop to help us overcome our shyness.

This third step is risky, too. If we fail in our attempts, we can feel worse than when we started. What if our art teacher tells us we have no talent? What if we aren't able to put our assertiveness training into practice?

The fourth step involves re-evaluating our strengths and weaknesses in light of our recent growth experiences. What strengths have we built upon? What weaknesses have we minimized?

There is often pain involved in step four, too. Many of us have difficulty giving ourselves credit for the progress we do make. It's never enough. And some of us will have only given our growing a halfhearted effort, and gotten growth to match.

Either way, we can use our negative evaluation of our efforts as yet one more proof to ourselves of our worthlessness. And that hurts.

We can see a lot of potential for pain and disappointment in this sort-of-step by step intentional growth. Unintentional growth can be even more dangerous.

Anytime we do something without at least some thought and planning, our chances of success are less. And I'm afraid a good part of the growing we do as persons happens without much of such forethought.

Many of us seem to grow only through hindsight. "I wish I'd realized ..." or "Now I understand ..." are two common phrases I hear in my counseling work. After a divorce, after our child has run away, after we're told we have high blood pressure, after we realize we're in a dead-end job, we try to pull things together and learn, or grow, from our mistakes.

With such unintentional growing, we drift from one disappointment, failure, or crisis to another. We are always looking back and wishing we'd done it differently. That is growth, but awfully painful growth.

People who seem to be stuck in their personal growth, may have decided the probability of getting badly hurt far outweighs the potential of growing. They doubt their own ability to change. It's just not worth the risk.

There certainly is risk to personal growth. It does hurt at times. Then why do some of us work at it, anyway? There are two good reasons.

First, we risk because growing is a natural part of being human. We were created to grow and develop throughout our lives. When we let ourselves stagnate, we deny our very human nature. We feel dissatisfied, incomplete.

Second, growth can feel good. When we build on a strength or minimize a weakness, we get a sense of satisfaction, of accomplishment. We feel more in touch with who we are and who we can be.

A few years ago, I talked to a group of church youth about the risks in our personal growth. They had already experienced some of the pain and pleasure of growing up.

Not long after, I got a letter from a young woman from this group. She described a close friendship that had just ended very painfully. She talked about what she had learned from the situation and concluded, "Ken, I must be growing, because I sure do hurt."

Last month, my friend sent me another letter. In it she told me about a current relationship in which she had found a special love and joy. She had used what she'd learned in the past to make her present relationship strong and fulfilling.

Growing had hurt. It was worth it.

As we struggle to become all that we were created to be, we need to accept there is always a risk of pain. But such pain is only temporary.

It is far worse to realize that we've sold ourselves short, that we've robbed ourselves of much of the joy and satisfaction in living because we've been too afraid to risk. Take the risk.