Guard against anger in your grief

There is a wonderful essay by Max Ehrmann, titled “Desiderata.” In it are many pieces of good advice including: “As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons,” and “If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for there always be greater or lesser persons than yourself.”

This brings me to think about some of the evil forces and emotions out there that we must guard against, especially in grief, and even more so in long-term grief.

Chief among the emotions you must guard against are 1) anger and 2) jealousy and envy.

Anger is very destructive - it turns back on you so it must be tempered or avoided. Anger even eventually shows on the face and physical body of the angry one.

This doesn't mean you need to accept bad behavior or slights to you. Just don't hang on to it and dwell on it. Distance yourself from the person or source of the anger, or resolve the problem if you can.

I was in corporate environments for many years. It's a fun but hard place - invigorating and with rewards, but also lots of intense competition that might include stealing of your ideas, taking credit for your work or backbiting.

If I had stayed angry over every misdeed by someone, it would have ruined my enjoyment of the good things, and my career. You have to be savvy but not angry - and this pretty much applies to every work environment, not just big corporations. And you are especially vulnerable to anger during grief.

My dear husband was a peacemaker and advised me on many occasions how to successfully handle these situations and to resolve them or just move on. Make peace if possible, or distance yourself from source, focus elsewhere.

I remember one little example, that shows how simple this can be. On a business trip to Paris, I refused to stay in the recommended hotel, because Baheej and I were staying in Paris after the meeting and wanted to be in a different location. This created tension with a colleague from another department, who was the person who chose the hotel.

So at dinner one night, my husband simply was nice to him and got to know him, and this cleared the air. We got along OK after that. There you go …

The point is, don't be angry with work colleagues, services, or life. And realize that when you are grieving, you are more susceptible to anger.

Another caution is about feelings of envy or jealousy. These are also evil forces. So shield your self from these emotions coming your way. They are destructive emotions.

In the Holy Land and all over the Mediterranean there is a practice to shield against envy by wearing or carrying a charm/bead considered a protection against “the evil eye,” a force that can cause harm to its target.

So all those blue and white beads you may see that look like a blue and white eye, are actually good luck charms to protect the bearer from envy and jealousy.

Both these forces, anger and envy, are addressed in this wonderful essay, Desiderata.

The point is - just guard against these feelings, especially anger. And find ways to think and do other things differently to keep from falling into the trap of anger or envy. You will be better equipped to manage your grief.

Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com.