First year after a death is intense, challenging
The first year after the death of a loved one has lots of special challenges.
It's very intense, and one is still in a bit of a fog. It's loaded with practical demands, fresh sadness, emotions, things to be "taken care of," and changes in plans for activities or trips already planned. It's a special time before the realization of long-term grief sets in.
Whether a parent, a spouse, a friend, a grandparent, or other cherished person, you are still reeling from the death and the funeral. But there are things to do, and changes forced upon you.
If you lost a parent or grandparent, you may be immediately faced about what to do with your regular Sunday or Friday night dinners at their house, or the upcoming family picnic, or summer weekends at the lake. You or one of the family may be able to take over these weekly gatherings so the family will still get together.
If you lost a spouse even your everyday routine is immediately changed.
In my case two important family weddings were coming up in the next two months. And also a big trip to the Holy Land that had to be canceled.
Huge amounts of paperwork needed to be filed - reports, banks, insurance, utilities, Social Security, airlines, announcements to be placed in newspapers in the Chicago area and in Boston.
No one tells you you'll need 20 death certificates to handle all these filings and reports. And extracting refunds from airlines and payments from health insurance takes a lot of paperwork and effort. Be persistent.
After a big funeral and dinner here in Chicago, there was a flight to New Hampshire for another service and burial in the family plot. And many church customs to observe, comforting but a lot to do - the 40-day, the six-month, the one-year prayer ceremonies.
For everyone it's different, but very intense.
When I think back on it, there are many things I should have done that first year but didn't. It was a time of great stress and confusion.
It is hard to think everything through during this time, so it's good not to make too many radical changes that first year. Let things sort out.
In hindsight, most of the things I should have done that first year were financial.
I could have saved a lot of money if I'd taken some steps that took me two to three years to figure out.
You may have a lifestyle that is more expensive than it has to be - clubs where you belong, but don't go anymore; extra things you are paying for, but don't really need. For example, you may have two cars when you only need one.
Everyone has a different situation. But the sooner you can sit down and review the total financial picture and make changes, the better off you will be.
Of course deciding whether to move or stay is an immediate and big thing. In the case of parents, whether they should move, or whether to sell your parent's house.
I was surprised how long it took me to figure out these things. There are lots of both little and big financial things you can do, the sooner the better.
So advice for the first year, is take it easy, if you can. It is very busy and lots of "firsts" … the first birthday, the first anniversary, the first Thanksgiving, the first holiday, the first New Year's Eve.
These take a toll.
Rely on friends, observe the best you can. It's the toughest year.
You can do it.
• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com.