Caring importing when offering criticism

Editor's note: This column is the second in a two-part series.

Last week we talked about what it's like to be on the receiving end of criticism. We saw six common ways of dealing with criticism, none of which do much good.

We also talked about constructively using criticism to help us change for the better.

This week I want to talk about the other side of the coin: giving constructive criticism. There are some things we can do as critics to help make receiving criticism less painful.

I want to throw out a word I've used before: "carefronting" (and thanks again to David Augburger for introducing me to this idea). Carefronting is a synthesis of two words: caring and confronting. It refers to a special way of dealing with people that can be helpful as we seek to criticize constructively.

The first step in criticizing carefrontingly and constructively is to realize that most of us initially interpret criticism as an attack and rejection. We feel hurt and scared that our relationship is in jeopardy.

As critics, then, we need to accept and anticipate this initial response to our criticism. We also want to help the person we are carefronting move beyond such hurt and fear.

My suggestion is that we say something along the lines of "You know, when I get criticized I feel put down and hurt. At the same time, I need people to help me see my mistakes. I want to talk to you about (whatever is on your mind) and I want you to know I'm doing it because I really care."

That may be a bit wordy, but you get the idea. We need to state clearly that our criticism may hurt at first, and that the main reason we are bothering to say anything at all is that the other person is important.

After such an introduction, we can more safely move on to the mistake or fault we want to talk about. We need to make our observations as tentative as possible. "I think," "I believe," "I remember," "it seems to me" are all good phrases to use.

When it comes right down to it, we really can speak only for ourselves anyway. No matter how right we think our criticism is, it is just the way we see things. We could be wrong.

The idea, then, is to give the other people the right to have their own opinion. We want to avoid backing them into a corner where their only alternative is to lash out at us. They'll hear us a lot better if we give them a chance to disagree.

A third step involves checking out how well we communicated. "I may not have been real clear. Did I make sense?" It is important that we know whether what we think we said is what actually is heard. As we talk, we both may want to keep checking out how well we are communicating.

The people we are talking to may ask us for suggestions as to how they can correct their mistakes or faults. If so, we again need to speak tentatively and with plenty of checking out. If they don't ask, we'll be better off keeping our ideas to ourselves.

A final step is to make sure and reaffirm our interest in and concern for the person we are criticizing. We need to make sure our caring clearly comes across.

Any time I suggest one of these step-by-step methods of working on relating, I feel the need to offer a word of caution. Learning how to constructively give or receive criticism, as with all relational growth, is never easy.

We are developing and practicing new skills, and that takes time and hard work. We will have some successes and some failures. Also, some people have such a poor sense of their own worth as individuals that no criticism can be constructive.

In these relationships it is probably best to avoid criticizing and concentrate on caring.

All in all, there is an art to constructive criticism. We've called that art "carefronting." Carefronting involves obvious caring messages, clear communications and tolerance of differing viewpoints.

Such constructive criticism is a valuable gift we can give to those around us. It is also a gift we will appreciate receiving ourselves. It can play an important part in our growth as individuals and in the growth of our relationships.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."