Walk to Remember helps parents cope with loss

Megan Mabrey's life-altering moment came on Mother's Day in 2012 - the day she would deliver her baby boy.

But instead of celebrating the arrival of her second child, she spent the day planning how to say goodbye to Teddy, who died in the womb before he could meet the world.

Mabrey never expected to leave the hospital without Teddy. Like other parents who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death, she and her husband, Scott, find themselves wondering what Teddy would be like and how their lives would be different if he were here.

And now, Mabrey is planning to help parents grieve and heal.

When Teddy died, Mabrey found support through the SHARE Program at Edward Hospital in Naperville and found a network of parents who had experienced similar loss. When she became pregnant again, she joined the Sharing HOPE support group for parents facing the myriad emotions of pregnancy after losing a baby.

The Edward Foundation now is expanding the SHARE Program to include Sharing Support, in which parents who have lost can guide and support parents who are losing or have just lost their baby. Mabrey plans to volunteer.

A Walk to Remember, on Saturday, Oct. 8, in Naperville, raises money for the SHARE Program to fund the support efforts as well as the Wings of Hope Angel Garden at Edward where families can visit to remember and reflect.

Mabrey and her family will walk Saturday to remember Teddy. Today, the Naperville woman shares her story and her plans to help others heal.

Megan Mabrey

We were having a boy! We had our daughter and, after two miscarriages, we found out we were having a son and we couldn't have been happier. We sold our condo in the city and bought a house in the suburbs. Life was perfect. Until it wasn't.

I was 32 weeks pregnant and my water started leaking. It was a Tuesday. I was admitted into the hospital so the baby and I could be monitored. They would keep me there until they could safely deliver our son. Everything was looking great and we were assured that at this point in my pregnancy, the survival rate was 100 percent. Our biggest concern was that he would have a brief stay in the NICU.

On Saturday night, we were monitored one last time before bedtime. Everything was fine, so I went to sleep. On May 13, 2012, the nurse woke me up to take our vitals. It was Mother's Day. Our baby, Edward Thomas "Teddy" Mabrey, was gone.

Just like that, our world came crashing down. The cord had wrapped around his little neck and snuffed out his life before it even began. Amid text messages wishing me a happy Mother's Day, I had to prepare for Teddy's birth as well as plan his funeral and burial.

While the labor and delivery are a blur, I will never forget holding him. He was so perfect. We snuggled him and kissed him and told him that we loved him. We tried to memorize every detail of his precious little body. Our family friend, a priest, left his own family celebration to come and baptize Teddy.

It was so very hard. Leaving the hospital without him and then going home to a life without him - it was a nightmare. My arms ached to hold my baby. Our daughter Nora, who was 2 and a half at the time, was confused and sad. That whole first year was clouded in sadness. Of course we had lots of good times, but there was always a feeling that something was missing. We were missing our son.

One of the blessings during that dark time was SHARE, a support group for parents dealing with miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death. I went to the bimonthly meetings religiously and the comfort and support I received in that group made all the difference for me. I made very deep friendships.

The people in that group saw me at my absolute lowest and most vulnerable. They were right there with me.

After the first year, I attended SHARE less frequently and, eventually, I got pregnant with our daughter Casey and started going to the Sharing Hope meetings. These meetings are designed for parents dealing with pregnancy after a loss.

There are so many complex feelings during subsequent pregnancies - fear, sadness, disappointment, guilt, grief - not the emotions you would normally associate with pregnancy. During those meetings I learned that while my pregnancy wasn't necessarily joyful, it didn't mean I loved our baby girl any less.

While I no longer attend the SHARE and Sharing HOPE meetings, I continue to find healing with SHARE. For the past three years, I have served on the committee to organize A Walk to Remember. The way I see it, I'll never get to be his room parent or Scout leader, but I can do this for Teddy.

The walk is a beautiful event that provides an opportunity for families to honor and remember their angel babies. It's an event my family and I look forward to every year.

In addition to the walk, SHARE offers a holiday remembrance ceremony and a garden blessing. We attend them all and we are so grateful for the opportunity to celebrate our son and hear his name read out loud.

Edward Hospital's SHARE continues to grow and offer families new and powerful ways to grieve and heal. Using funds generated from A Walk to Remember, SHARE will be introducing Sharing Support, a parent peer program in which seasoned loss parents can offer support to parents dealing with a new loss.

This could be helping parents prepare for the stillbirth of their baby, it could be sitting beside them in the hospital after the birth, it could be attending their first SHARE meeting with them.

This opportunity is so exciting to me. Of course, I expect it to be difficult and sad, but I am so grateful to be able to help families during this incredibly painful time. When we found out Teddy had died, we were given literature that provided information about how to handle this nightmare. Of course we didn't read it. We were in shock.

My cousin and his wife had lost a baby boy years before and they were able to give us some advice, but most people receive little guidance other than a pamphlet. If a family needs me, I will most certainly tell them to do all the things I regret. Take a hundred pictures. Take pictures of everything, even if it feels a bit awkward. Those photos will be all you have to remember your baby by.

Give your baby a bath, it's the only time you will. Dress him/her. It's the only time you'll pick out their outfit. These things may seem small, but they mean everything. This program will be a blessing for so many.

It's been four and a half years since we said hello and goodbye to our sweet baby boy. Not a day goes by that we don't think about him. We are left with so many questions. We wonder what he would look like now. We wonder, would he be into trucks, "Paw Patrol," sports? If he lived, would we have had our daughter Casey or our son Marty?

While the grief has lessoned over the years, the void remains. The bottom line is, our family will never be complete. The void cannot be filled, but SHARE has helped me learn to accept it and live a happy life despite it.

If you go

What: The Walk to Remember

Why: Proceeds support Edward Hospital's SHARE program that helps families who experience miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death

When: 10:15 a.m. Saturday, Oct. 8; a memorial ceremony begins at 9:30 a.m.

Where: Riverwalk Grand Pavillion west of Centennial Beach, 500 W. Jackson Ave., Naperville

Cost: Free, donations and pledges accepted

Info: napervillewalktoremember.org