Imrem: In Hendricks-Colon food fight, Cubs hurler on top

The result was both an upset and upsetting.

At least it was to someone like me with a bit of a belly that wasn't there, say, 17 years ago.

Wednesday afternoon's pitching matchup was Bartolo Colon against Kyle Hendricks, with the underlying lesson that it takes all kinds, sizes and shapes in sports, life and America.

Colon, a Mets right-handed pitcher, is 5-feet-11 and modestly listed at 286 pounds. Hendricks, a Cubs righty, is 6-3 and 190 pounds.

For the vertically, horizontally and mathematically challenged, that means Colon is 4 inches shorter but still nearly 100 pounds heavier than Hendricks.

Oh, we almost forgot to add that Colon is 43 years old and Hendricks is 26.

So, who won this game?

No contest.

Hendricks outpitched Colon in the Cubs' 6-2 victory over the Mets.

"Kyle is pitching with a lot of confidence," Cubs manager Joe Maddon said.

Maybe it wasn't an upset even though a good bigger man usually beats a good smaller man.

The outcome was upsetting, however, because chunky baseball pitchers, football linemen and pro golfers should be rewarded for hauling all that weight around.

(By the way, Phil Mickelson didn't lose the British Open because Henrik Stenson is more muscular; he lost because he recently dropped 25 pounds.)

The backdrop to the Colon-Hendricks food fight - kale vs. pizza? - was Cubs pitcher Jason Hammel's ongoing flirtation with potato chips.

Hammel mentioned last week that a team doctor recommended he eat potato chips to combat cramps.

Wednesday, six boxes full of bags of chips sat in front of Hammel's locker, compliments of a snacks company.

A note thanked Hammel "for the shoutout" and he joked, "Can we continue the interview?" eager to mention other merchandisers that might want to thank him.

You know, like maybe Rolex and Ferrari.

Now back to Colon and Hendricks: With the Wrigley Field heat in a death struggle with the humidity, the weighty Colon looked like the pounds were dripping off him and the wispy Hendricks looked like he could have run a marathon.

But the elements didn't get to Colon. Anthony Rizzo's 2 home runs did.

Still, the Cubs slugger said, "Bartolo's tough."

Rizzo meant it and so did Maddon when he said, "(Colon) is a really good athlete."

Some wise guy asked Hendricks whether he thought he'd still be pitching when he's 43 years old and 286 pounds.

Hendricks chuckled and raved about how Colon is still able to get hitters out.

Colon does it his way now, pretty much slow and slower in the movement of both the ball and his body. He pitches like he's standing on a corner waiting for a bus, while Hendricks works fast like he's trying to catch a bus.

As a Chicagoan who has had his share of bratwurst, I was hoping for a compromise: The older, heavyset guy outpitches the younger, sleek guy but the home team outlasts the visitors.

Instead, Hendricks beat Colon, the Cubs beat the Mets and all 40-and-over, overweight men will have to wait for another day to put all those lean millennials in their place.

That place is at a dinner table with a plate of Italian beef sandwiches and bags of potato chips in front of them.

The Food Channel can televise it with Pepto-Bismol as a sponsor.

mimrem@dailyherald.com