Adult son may just resent living back home

Q. I hope you can help me accept that my adult son doesn't like me - and stop feeling so worn down and questioning myself from his disdainful comments.

Overall, he's a great person - just out of college, landed a good job, and is kind to other people. He and his girlfriend are staying with me for a few months as they get settled and look for an apartment.

I talked to him last winter about being rude and judgmental, so he's more polite, but cold. He is warmer when we go out to breakfast every few weeks and sometimes when the whole family is together. But as a rule, seems I'm the thorn in his life.

Which is understandable, since I did things as a mom that must have hurt and made him wary of me - control, anger and power struggles. We've talked about that, he's accepted my apology, and I've done significant therapy so I no longer feel or act in the same way - confirmed by his sister's comments.

One more piece is that his dad died when he was a teen, but he was pretty pulled-back well before that, from both me and my late husband. The family has been pretty active in the grieving process, so that's not a concern.

I understand I can't expect to be liked by everyone, but still ... I take his attitude so personally. It's a familiar sensation, since I grew up expecting to be judged.

A. Your difficult upbringing, the anger you carried over to child-rearing, your husband's death, your son's anger - a therapist could spend weeks on any of these pieces, and apparently one has. If friction with your son continues, though, then I suggest returning to therapy, as discouraging as that might feel after you've already worked so hard.

In the meantime, please consider that this isn't nearly as complicated or fraught as you fear. Maybe your son doesn't dislike you so much as he resents having to live with you again. He's a grown man, he's educated and employed, he has a partner. He could be mad at himself for landing back "home" under those conditions, which can feel suffocating even to kids without his history.

Feeling suffocated would fit, I think, with his being nicer to you off-site (out to breakfast) and among other family, and with his having drifted from both parents as a teen: The guy needs his space.

On top of that, the natural response to wanting someone to like you is hovering. Grade-schoolers follow around the popular kids. Lovesick adolescents find excuses to walk by their crushes' lockers. Eager employees circle the boss at the holiday party and laugh at meh jokes. And parents aching to hold on to children leaving the nest will watch them too closely for signs it'll all be OK.

How does the cool kid/crush/boss/young adult feel? Crowded and sucked-up to and chronically annoyed, all of which might describe your son right now.

Of course I could be wrong, and his whole attitude could indeed trace to his not liking you. But even if it's the worst case, the best argument you can make in your favor is to respect his space.

Instead of trying to fix everything now, instead be patient. Be kind, be supportive, be sympathetic to how hard it is for independent adults to depend again, and be busy with your own life. To "disdainful comments," reply simply - "I realize it's hard for you to be home again, but I do ask for basic civility" - but otherwise don't initiate any discussion of your relationship. Give time a chance to make repairs for you.

After a lifetime of complex, difficult interactions, you might actually lighten a bit by seeing this as simply a matter of space. That alone could help.

Q. My husband was engaged during college, but she ended the relationship before they graduated (she cheated on him). The only contact we have with her is a sporadic exchange of holiday cards.

Fast forward 30 years and with the empty-nest approaching, we are clearing clutter. In a box of old pictures there was an album she made for him that included a few of her original baby and childhood pictures. Unlike today, those of us born in the '60s did not have tons of pictures, so I feel bad just tossing them. But my daughters were horrified that I would even think of mailing them back because they thought it might come off as rude or "catty." What do you think I should do?

A. Ignore your daughters and send the pix, yikes. Feather-rufflage passes but photos are permanent, and pictures approaching a half-century old are not easily replaced by the 7,000 digital copies and alternate shots your daughters are accustomed to having on hand. Enclose a nice note. "I found these while going through boxes, very cute," or your version thereof, and trust the kindness of the gesture to prevail.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.