Blended families need a better word than 'step'

I've spent a lot of my career dealing with folks who are getting remarried and who are bringing children into their new relationship. And, believe me, we have got to come up with a better word than "step" when trying to describe such new family configurations.

If you're part of a "blended" family (a bit better, but also something that sounds like an entry in a cannibals' cookbook), you know what I mean. "Step" mother, "step" father, "step" brother, "step" sister, "step" son, "step" daughter, "step" whatever - it just doesn't work. It sounds like a put down. "Step" can make us a feel a bit ashamed, like we and our new families are second class.

Of course, we do need some easy way of designating the members of the various family groupings to which we may belong. It can be both confusing and a bit embarrassing to fumble around to explain to someone how a particular person is connected to us.

The reality is we are only issued one biological father and one biological mother. Another child sharing those same two biological parents is our brother or sister. These are all unique relationships that deserve special designation.

For about 50 percent of us, however, and maybe more (there are a lot of blended families around), we have other important family connections that do not fit neatly into those categories. If we stop using the word "step" in such situations, then what do we say?

It may not work for everybody, but let me offer one alternative (and I want to give my wife 100 percent of the credit for this idea). When introducing my biological children to people she meets, my wife simply says, "This is my 'bonus' child."

When she does this, my kids always beam; her friends always smile. What a wonderful way to communicate the nature of their special relationship. And the icing on the cake for us is that my kids now will introduce my wife as their "bonus" mother.

I realize "bonus" is not an adjective that fits every situation. It's certainly not a legal designation. It also might confuse someone who isn't aware we're part of a blended family. And, unfortunately, sometimes the additional family connections we make in remarriage with children do not seem like bonuses at all (in which case we might want to think about consulting a family therapist).

In a lot of situations, though, such an affirmation could be a very creative and positive way to refer to such relationships. Actually, for myself, I can't think of a bigger compliment than to be referred to as a "bonus" dad. I know I'm sure going to try hard to be one.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."