Constable: Can Class of 2015 learn everything from Facebook?
Modern graduates don't turn to some successful adult for advice. They seek guidance from a higher power.
That is why I imagine how Facebook could give this commencement speech:
"Welcome, school big shots, parents, grandparents and members of the Class of 2015. Thank you for inviting me, Facebook, to deliver your commencement speech. It seems natural, given that I know lots about each of you, and even own the rights to your embarrassing photos.
"But I'm not here to talk about the explicit details of your lives or ask you to share what I say today with everyone by clicking on 'settings' and adjusting your privacy policies. I actually can do that without your permission. No, I am here to offer you life advice. Everything you need to know you can learn on Facebook.
"For starters, you have been eating bananas the wrong way for your entire life. You also make scrambled eggs all wrong. And you still have no idea that aluminum foil can be used in seven amazing ways.
"Before I explain the right way to eat a banana, I need to send a shoutout to friends Angelina Jolie, Russell Brand, Bruce Dern and local author Charles Dickinson, who are celebrating birthdays today. I also would like to show you this photo of a grilled-cheese sandwich.
"Some of this stuff baffles even me, but 203 of you graduates already have liked my posting of that sandwich. That's more of you than are registered to vote. You also like my videos of little cats fighting big dogs, extreme political views and photographs of fat people at Wal-Mart.
"I understand if you'd like to take a moment here and play some Candy Crush. Please invite the person next to you, her grandparents, who don't know what that is, and everybody she has met to play along with you. Also, please let me know if you were the first person to post that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West should name their next baby South. That's hilarious and I can't see it enough. I also want to give props to Todd in Row 3. Even though all of us who care about hockey watched last night's Stanley Cup game on TV or a tablet, listened to it on the radio or followed the action on gamecast as if we were cave men, Todd was the first one to post the results on Facebook. Those of you who DVRed the game to watch after you put the kids in bed probably got a kick out of Todd's spoiler.
"But getting back to my advice for graduates. You should leave here today knowing what state you actually should live in, what TV sitcom character you should marry and what breakfast buffet item you would be if you were a breakfast buffet item. There's a bacon-scented scratch-off lottery ticket for the one graduate who got "melon ball." I also can offer you some advice from Sheriff Andy Taylor of Mayberry in this old TV clip, or a message offered by Red Skelton in 1969. Then there are those ridiculous videos that defy common sense, such as the funny fallout from the fake Onion story about FIFA throwing together a World Cup in the U.S. this year, or the unfunny real video of presidential candidate Mike Huckabee wishing he could have identified as transgender in high school so he could have showered with girls.
"As you enter the real world, you need to make good decisions. Here are 14 new cars to avoid at all costs. To distract you from the fact that the picture I'm holding is not actually one of the cars to avoid, I'll tell you about the new law in your community that has led to the handcuffing of an attractive young woman in a bikini. The woman in that photograph is not my sister. But if you have a sister who is your best friend, please feel free to share that news with us now, because the public sincerely cares about the private relationship between you and your sister. Also let us know if your religion is best, you hate cancer or you have been inspired by a quote that makes everyone else gag.
"That stuff is way better than being like those 15 celebrities who did horrible things. But it's not as good as what happened when a ferocious-looking tiger came across a wounded duckling and did something that will astound you. It's all better than the thing that made your friend announce it via a 'Worst day of my life' posting with no details and a complete reluctance to explain further. If you really cared about her, you would have commented 'gorgeous' about the selfie of her with pouty lips that she posted today to replace Monday's selfie of her wearing an odd hat, which made everyone post 'beautiful,' and inflated her self-esteem for the two days it took her to come up with that new photo.
"I sense that some of you are getting restless because of how much time you have wasted today with Facebook. So in conclusion, if you want a shorter waste of time, you should invite Twitter to give next year's commencement speech."