Curtailing children's curiosity with cursing
"Hey, Dad! Wanna hear all the 'swears' I know?"
"Dad, you know I'd never use words like *&%#@ and #@&*%!"
"Dad, guess what I heard on the TV?"
We were having dinner with some friends with middle schoolchildren the other night and our host cautioned us that his rather precocious 7-year-old seemed to have an affinity for interesting language. I was reminded that, around age 7 or 8, all of my children found their own unique ways to explore with me that strange linguistic phenomena called "profanity." And I've had to try to explain to them why some words are just not uttered in polite company.
None of my kids wound up swearing all that much. In fact, I could probably count on one hand the number of times I have ever overheard any of them utter a word I consider to be profane. Oh, sure, I suspect they try out a good cuss or two with friends now and then, but I can't say that I have any evidence that profanity is part of their regular vocabularies.
I don't especially consider myself to be any genius when it comes to talking to kids. I guess I do have the advantage of having studied child development more times than I care to mention, so at least I'm aware it's no big deal when a young child lets out a stream of expletives from the back seat. And because I know this, I am probably a bit calmer than most parents when confronted with such behavior.
When you think about it, the whole idea of profanity is rather strange. And when you try to explain it to children, it's even stranger. I mean, a word is just a bunch of sounds. What makes uttering one bunch of sounds OK and uttering another bunch a capital offense?
After a number of less-than-successful attempts at trying to explain why swearing is not OK, what I've finally come up with is talking to my kids about intent, reaction and consequences.
Intent has to do with what our kids really mean to do when they use profanity. For example, when our children recite for us their entire "swears" vocabularies they might be trying to get us upset, or they might just be trying to figure out what's OK to say and what isn't and why.
When kids use profanity with other kids they may be trying to impress them, or attack them.
Reaction refers to how other people will respond to our kid's use of off-limits language. Most people are going to object to profanity. No matter what the intent is, they likely will believe they are being attacked, insulted or "dissed." And they will probably feel hurt and angry.
Consequences are all about the price kids will pay when they use profanity. Adults like parents and teachers almost always will impose some sort of penalty. Other kids may impose a penalty too, often a verbal or physical assault on the profanity perpetrator.
To pull all this together, even though our children may struggle with the idea that some words are off limits just because other people find them upsetting, that's just the way things are. And if our kids use these off-limits words - whatever their intent - then other people will react negatively and impose unpleasant consequences (that's certainly not the way I'd say it to kids, but you get the idea).
Most of us find it easier to give up something if we replace it with something else. In this case what we might do is give our kids some ideas about what they can do when they want to impress someone or when they are ticked off at somebody (even adults). And this can probably include helping them figure out what words they can use in such situations.
There probably always will be words that aren't used in polite company. Even if there was no such thing as profanity, however, there would still be good and not-so-good ways to deal with being upset or with wanting attention. If we parents can stay calm enough to get past the expletives our children experiment with, we can help them learn more constructive ways to deal with such feelings and needs.
• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."