It’s all a matter of willpower — but whose?

My husband, Bernie, and I always said that our first two daughters had strong personalities. Then our third came along and we realized that there was more room on the right side of the strong-willed spectrum than we had realized. To put it another way, if our daughters were peppers, they would all be chili peppers: our firstborn would be a jalapeño, our middle would be a poblano, and our youngest would be a habanero — one of the hottest peppers out there.

Over the years, curious observers have used an assortment of words and phrases when commenting on our youngest: spitfire, pistol, quite a handful and a force to be reckoned with, to name a few. My husband and I have certainly tried to train and instruct her as to what is appropriate and what is not appropriate to say at weddings and funerals, to neighbors and Sunday school teachers, but we realized a long time ago that there is simply no way we can anticipate what will come out of her mouth. So part of our strategy involves utilizing teachable moments and doing damage control.

While it is within my right as a parent to say, “Because I said so,” I’m learning that it is usually more effective to influence my daughter. To convince her that she actually wants to do what I am trying to get her to do. Around her third birthday, with preschool fast approaching, I was pulling my hair out trying to potty train her. I knew she was able to master this very important life skill; she was simply unwilling to do it. She preferred to wear pullups. Lucky for me, she wanted to chew gum more than anything in the world, so I repeatedly told her that she needed to go on the potty before she could chew gum. She stood her ground until one glorious day when her desire for bubble gum overcame her stubborn resistance. I repeated my condition; she looked at me for a long minute, marched into the bathroom, did her business, washed her hands, and asked for some gum. Just like that, the war was over.

Her stubborn streak has proved to be very challenging, both for her and for my husband and me. During her kindergarten year, she struggled so much to obey that for a period of time she was seriously concerned she would one day end up in jail. She wanted to know if we would come and visit her. She has always been very articulate, and one day was able to verbalize the battle going on inside her. Her sister had left her artwork on the table, and she wanted to scribble on it. She knew she was not supposed to do it, but there was this other voice in her head saying, “Do it!” Successful parenting is not as much about controlling our kids as it is about helping them develop self-control.

Raising children with strong temperaments definitely has its challenges. But I’m discovering that the joys are just as intense. This summer I watched as my daughter, now nearly 7 years old, learned how to swim. Two years ago I signed her up for swimming, but she didn’t want to learn to swim. So you know how this story turned out: after two solid weeks she was blowing bubbles in the water, barely. It was a frustrating waste of time and money. We skipped last summer, but this year she was ready. She wanted it. And watching her go after it made my heart swell with pride. I knew how hard she was working, moving up and mastering techniques. Seeing her determination made me want to jump out of my chair and holler, “Way to go! You’re swimming!” Of course I didn’t, because I am also learning self-control, but she got an earful all the way home.

Ÿ Becky Baudouin lives in the Northwest suburbs with her husband, Bernie, their three daughters and their strong-willed puppy, Lila. She blogs regularly at beckyspen.blogspot.com.