A mom’s point of view: ‘Parenthood’ juggles fairness and family challenges
What would you do if your son or daughter worked really hard in school, achieved a perfect GPA, got accepted to the Ivy League university of his or her dreams, but you could not afford to pay the tuition?
This is the dilemma facing TV parents Adam and Kristina Braverman on NBC’s hit show, Parenthood. While they are proud of their daughter Haddie’s acceptance to Cornell University, they are concerned that they will not be able to afford the $50,000-per-year tuition. After a period of unemployment that drained the family’s bank account, Adam’s new salary — combined with Kristina’s income — is less than what he made at his old job.
The couple initially disagrees about the solution. Adam says that they simply cannot afford Cornell, and he doesn’t want Haddie to be drowning in student loans when she graduates. She should go to Berkeley and live at home. Kristina sees it differently. Haddie has worked hard to achieve her goals and Kristina doesn’t think that their daughter should be punished because of their tough financial situation; she thinks they need to do whatever it takes to make it happen.
The situation is further complicated because Haddie’s younger brother, Max, has Asperger syndrome, and their parents have to spend an enormous amount of money on doctors, tutors and therapy. Haddie feels that once again, because Max has special needs, she can’t have something she wants. She thinks it’s not fair.
My husband, Bernie, insightfully asked, “Isn’t it more unfair that Max has Asperger’s?”
Even though the Bravermans are fictional characters, this storyline is thought-provoking on many levels, and raises some culturally relevant questions: Should we as parents sacrifice everything we have — and more — to make our children’s dreams come true? Will our children still be successful if we are unable to provide them with the very best? Are we bad parents if we say, “We can’t do this, we have to come up with another plan.” And what if, God forbid, our children accuse us of being unfair?
Bernie and I have not yet faced a decision as difficult as the Bravermans, but we have been hearing, “It’s not fair!” quite a bit lately. One child has to walk the dog two days in a row because her sister is swamped with homework. Grandfather says that the 13-year-old daughter can sit with the adults at a holiday dinner, but her 11-year-old sister has to sit at the scorned children’s table. One child is asked to do two chores while another does only one, because the dishwasher needs unloading. And currently, our fifth grade daughter is involved in three extracurricular activities, and our youngest is only involved in one. It is not fair, but right now, this is what makes sense for our family.
On the “fairness struggle spectrum,” chore distributions, extracurricular activities, and seating arrangements hardly compare to $200,000 worth of college costs, but I have a suspicion that our approach to these minor situations will impact our decision-making as we navigate more complex challenges in the future. As much as we’d like our children to view us as fair parents, we’ve determined it’s not even possible, since what seems fair to one child is often considered unfair to another. Our goal is not fairness, but rather figuring out what’s right for our children and for our family. We cannot say yes to everything our children want and think they need; we must live within our means, respecting our limited resources of time and money, as well as our capacities for handling stress.
One of my friends recently pulled her children out of an evening program that they loved, because it was too stressful getting them home, into bed, and up for school the next morning. She was wise enough to acknowledge that it wasn’t working for the family. I applauded her decision, because I think it’s good to ask ourselves from time to time, “Why are we doing this?”
Are there exceptions? Are there times we make extreme sacrifices to accomplish a goal, to fulfill a dream? I think so. But we must count the cost. The Bravermans made a tough call: Haddie is going to Cornell. I know that my perspective may change by the time my oldest daughter starts filling out college applications, but I was disappointed with the show’s outcome, because it seems to me another example of “let’s just say yes and figure it out later.” I think there needs to be a middle ground, a workable solution for the family. But I do hope it works out for the Bravermans. And I hope that the small, everyday decisions we’re making now prepare us for the bigger ones just up the road.
ŸBecky Baudouin lives in the Northwest suburbs with her husband, Bernie, their three daughters and their puppy, Lila. She blogs regularly at beckyspen.blogspot.com.