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Parents can help tweens navigate middle school

Perhaps the word that best describes the middle school years is change.

For kids in middle school, virtually everything in life is changing: their bodies, their friends, their interests and needs. They aren't yet young adults, but they aren't little kids anymore, either. The middle school years are all about trying to make sense of the changes that are happening on many levels, and as is true in most areas of life, change often creates stress.

Sherri Massa, assistant principal at Stratford Middle School in Carol Stream District 93, knows firsthand the challenges that families face during middle school years. She worked as a principal for four years, and then took the position of assistant principal after her son entered middle school, allowing her more time at home with her family.

“We think our kids need us more when they are little, but at this age, involvement in outside activities picks up. Our kids need rides to band, sports, after-school clubs and activities. My husband was running our son to all his activities, but it was a lot. I'm glad I was able to make a change in my work so I could step back in and help.”

For many kids, middle school is the first time they can really explore different activities to see what they like to do. Learning how to balance extra activities with homework and family time is no small task. Most students have six or more different teachers, each with their own set of expectations. Kids are becoming more independent, but juggling all their responsibilities can be stressful.

In addition to all the changes going on around them, the onset of puberty ushers our children into the awkward stages of adolescence. Many kids in middle school will experience their first date as well as unsupervised outings to movies and dances; some kids are not ready for these situations. Kids develop and mature at different rates; they are aware of the fact that their friends may be interested in the opposite sex, and may feel self-conscious if they are not. Friendships from elementary school years may start to unravel, and girls especially can hold onto grudges for awhile, needing more help and opportunities to work through conflicts.

Massa, who is working on developing a class at Harper College for parents of middle schoolchildren, offers the following tips for families:

ŸGet to know your kids' friends, and connect with their families. Offer support by carpooling and helping out when needed, and don't be afraid to ask for help in return.

ŸStay involved in their lives. Hold them accountable by checking grades online and going to conferences and curriculum nights at their school. Show them that you value school.

ŸBe aware of their music and TV choices. Find one show a week to watch together as a family, and use their playlist in the car.

ŸWhen kids make mistakes, use these opportunities as teachable moments; don't overreact. Give them the space to fail, and the opportunity to learn from their mistakes.

ŸRecognize when your child and/or your family may need additional help, and use the resources at your child's school — the administrator, social worker or school psychologist. They can provide resources for outside agencies that offer private therapists and groups.

Massa recommends staying connected with your kids and monitoring what they are doing, but not in a sneaky way.

“One of the hardest things for kids to deal with is when they feel that their parents are being unfair or manipulative. Let them know upfront that you will need their passwords for their computer and social networking sites. Link their texts to your phone and advise them that you will periodically be checking their messages. If you make it part of the deal, part of the privilege of having a computer or phone, kids know to expect it and won't view it as invading their privacy.”

Scott Rubin of Hoffman Estates knows a thing or two about life with middle schoolers. Two of his three sons are in middle school (his oldest is a sophomore in high school), and he is the director of Elevate, the middle school ministry at Willow Creek Community Church in South Barrington. Close to 1,000 kids attend the Elevate service each weekend.

“I love working with this age group. I love both their energy and their occasional moments of insight. Kids this age will usually gravitate toward the oldest person who will take them seriously. Contrary to what many parents think, kids aren't so much asking, ‘Are you cool enough for me?' as much as, ‘Do you like me? What do you think of me?'”

Rubin agrees that there are some challenges, however, when trying to connect with middle school-aged kids.

“They give off so many vibes. They can stiff-arm you with one hand, and with the other invite you to come closer,” Rubin said.

He encourages parents to keep trying to connect. “If you catch your son or daughter at a bad time, you just have to try again. Try a different time, place, or approach. Don't just back off.”

The way we connect with our kids depends on their individual personalities as well as their gender. Boys sometimes find face-to-face interactions to be difficult. It might be easier to strike up a conversation in the car or while hitting golf balls at the driving range. For girls, they may find it easier to open up, but the timing might be tricky. Girls usually start puberty sooner than boys, mature more quickly, and may be more emotional.

Rubin says that although peers are extremely important to adolescents, studies indicate time and again that the most influential people in a kid's life are mom and dad. “A parent relationship is far more important than most middle school kids will admit.”

A vital part of Elevate each weekend is the time kids have to engage with their small group leader and group. “Whether you go to church or not, it is important to have your kids connect with other adults that are a positive influence.”

Rubin is the co-author (with Mark Oestreicher) of two Middle School Survival Series books: “My Changes” and “My Future.” They also wrote a book for leaders, “Middle School Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide to Working with Early Adolescence.” The books are available Amazon.com.

Sherri Massa, an assistant principal at Stratford Middle School in Carol Stream, adjusted her schedule to be more available to her middle-school aged children.
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