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Sorry, I get no kicks from soccer

Sorry, still can't go there no matter how hard I try.Or, come to think about it, no matter how hard the American women try to beat Japan in today's World Cup final.NASA still will land on Mars before I and my generation of chauvinist sports pigs embrace soccer.The Cubs will win a World Series and the Bears will have a franchise quarterback before I can differentiate a header from a corner kick and a Fire from a Sting.A week ago today, in the back of the Comiskey Park press box, a buzz burst into a cheer when Amy or Abby Wambat or Wambach or somebody or other scored what I'm told was a monumental goal against Brazil.Who doesn't want to get excited over a sports event? Who doesn't want to share in the joy of victory? Who doesn't want to chant #8220;Ayyyy-me! or #8220;AAAA-be!#8221; or #8220;Whoooo-she!#8221;But this man of a certain age couldn't.Seriously, I poke fun at soccer because I'm jealous that my sports DNA won't let me be seduced by its appeal.I'm not alone. Most of you have noticed that soccer hasn't reached much more than cult status in the United States.Q. Why hasn't this sport become all it can be around here like it is around the rest of the world?A. My generation.I had the opportunity in the mid-1970s to sit down with Bo Schembechler, just the two of us grouches grouching.Somehow the conversation drifted to soccer. The legendary University of Michigan football coach had a simple description of the game.#8220;Un-American,#8221; Schembechler blurted in his customarily blurtish manner.His point was that boys in the United States become men by playing the manly sport of football, not the sissy sport of soccer.I'm sure I smiled and nodded because that's how all-American men #8212; if not all American men #8212; felt back in the day.And, sad to say, too many of us still do.Look, I love sports but not soccer. I love women but not women's soccer. I love America but it just doesn't make a difference to me whether the U.S. wins a soccer game.As prudish Kenneth said on last week's rerun of #8220;30 Rock,#8221; #8220;What if there was a black bar on the bottom half of the TV that prevented you from watching bad things like nudists ... and soccer.#8221;Most TV writers these days are around 16 years old, so I have to think that somebody my age sneaked into the room to sneak in that line.Older guys who grew up with America's traditional team sports don't get the whole soccer thing. Part of it is that it's too slow and the collisions aren't violent enough.Another part is that down deep a lot of us feel like soccer threatens baseball, the national pastime, and football, the national passion.Regardless, today's TV ratings for U.S.-Japan should be boffo. Then, as always, most viewers will go back to ignoring the sport until the next World Cup in which America has a pulse.I remain confident soccer will get a grip here some day.More fans will understand the game's nuances while perhaps also getting sick of seeing players of American football being carted off with mangled body parts.Oh, and one more thing will work in soccer's favor: My generation will die, be buried and go off to that big soccer pitch in the sky.Or perhaps to that hot soccer pitch in the opposite direction.mimrem@dailyherald.com

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