A mom’s point of view: Dad myths debunked
When it comes to the roles fathers play, at least in our family, I’ve uncovered a few myths.
Myth #1: Dad is the “backup Mom.”I have heard dads (including my husband, in our early years of parenting) say that they were #147;baby-sitting the kids.#148; Their own kids. Dads are not substitutes who merely step in when Mom has to be somewhere else.Dads, you are co-parents, with immense responsibility and influence; you are much more than baby sitters.Myth #2: #147;Dads possess superpowers, such as the ability to make themselves invisible.#148;In our home, unless the need has to do with the computer, math homework or sports equipment, the kids usually come to me first for help. The following scene is based on actual events: I am in the kitchen cooking dinner, talking on the phone, and cleaning out last month#146;s leftovers from the refrigerator. My husband, Bernie, is leaning against the kitchen counter. He might even be setting the table. One of our daughters wanders in and asks, #147;Mom, can you please quiz me on my spelling words?#148; At this point I stop my multi-tasking, motion toward my husband, and ask my daughter the obvious question, #147;Can you see him?#148;#147;Dad, can you please quiz me on my spelling words?#148;Dads, the honor of your presence is both requested and appreciated. Myth #3: #147;Moms and Dads are created equal.#148;I am not saying that one parent is more valuable than the other. I#146;m saying that we are not the same. I shouldn#146;t expect that my husband, being the dad, will do things the way I do them, as the mom. When our daughter started middle school this year, I was not enthusiastic about waking up at 6:30 a.m. to make her lunch and see her off to school. I am not a morning person, and for me, 6:30 is about 90 minutes too early to start the day. My husband pointed out that I didn#146;t need to wake up with our daughter. #147;At 12 years old, she is perfectly capable of setting her alarm, getting ready, and feeding herself breakfast.#148; I didn#146;t argue with him, because he wasn#146;t wrong. Our daughter is absolutely old enough to take responsibility for these things, and she does. However, just because she is capable doesn#146;t mean that I want her heading out the door, early in the morning, without anyone to see her off. At the end of our conversation, my simple reply to my husband was, #147;You are so NOT a mom.#148;Bernie brings his own strengths, unique perspective and way of thinking to the parenting table, and our kids need that. In dealing with our daughters, there are times when I am too emotional to see things clearly or to know what they really need. I remember one night in particular, earlier this year. One of our daughters was upset, and I was trying to help her. She became increasingly frustrated because, although I was trying to fix the problem, I wasn#146;t really helping her in the way she needed. I left her room, feeling dejected, and asked Bernie to step in. He spent several minutes with our daughter in her bedroom, and when they came out, my daughter was visibly calmer.#147;What did you do?#148; I asked Bernie later that night. He told me he just listened. That was what she needed. Brilliant. We are different and that is how it should be.Dads, your unique perspectives, your individual personalities and parenting styles are invaluable, and these differences can bring about a sense of balance that strengthens our families.The relationships my husband shares with our daughters are different from mine. When they spend time together, they don#146;t talk a lot. They wrestle, tickle and tackle each other. They play games, competitively. Bernie has taken our daughters to a Daddy/Daughter camp in Michigan#146;s Upper Peninsula #8212; no moms allowed. It#146;s as rustic as it gets, with no electricity or running water. The campers roast marshmallows and recite some sort of gorilla chant around an enormous bonfire. When they come home, I#146;m not entirely sure what they did as I only hear bits and pieces, but I can tell that it was an experience that none of them will ever forget. Bernie takes our oldest daughter on Costco runs, shares his love of Chipotle burritos with our middle daughter, and regularly plays #147;push over#148; with our youngest, a game the two of them created that involves the above-mentioned wrestling, tickling and tackling.I#146;ve heard it said that when it comes to children, more is #147;caught#148; than taught. One of the biggest ways Bernie impacts our daughters is through his example. Over the last couple of years, as I have pursued a writing career, his support has been astounding. I recently attended a four-day writers#146; conference, and for the first time in the history of our family, I missed our daughters#146; last days of school. When I thought that this, along with the cost of the conference, might be a deal breaker, and that maybe I should wait until next year, my husband said he would take care of it. He said he#146;d be there on the last day to take pictures and thank the teachers. My girls might have missed me on their last day of school, but I don#146;t think they missed the message my husband sent to them: #147;Pursue your dreams. Go for it #8212; you can do it! I#146;m here to support you and I believe in you.#148;Dads, regardless of how old your kids are or the uniqueness of your family situations, truth be told, you are irreplaceable.ŸBecky Baudouin lives in the Northwest suburbs with her husband, Bernie, and their three daughters. She blogs regularly at beckyspen.blogspot.com.