Goals can motivate seniors to downsize

Once again the Baby Boomer generation has reached a developmental milestone. We are slowly but surely moving out of the stage of "getting" to the stage of "getting rid of."

Retailers have known this for a while. Most advertising for things like homes, appliances, furniture, cars, clothes, etc., isn't aimed at us old folks, but at the 20- and thirty-something crowd.

Those are the accumulation decades in which we are going from being students and poor, entry-level workers to establishing our own homes and often marriages and families. We need stuff to do all this, and we buy it - lots of it (whether we buy more than we need is another subject).

Unless we are just into stuff for stuff's sake - which some of us are and which our culture certainly encourages - there comes a time when we have enough. And, as we move into our 50s and 60s, we may even begin to think we have too much stuff.

This usually starts with recognizing we have too much house with too much yard, both of which require too much of our time and money to take care of. And since the kids are gone or going, the house also starts to seem a bit empty. We have more space than we need, not to mention more things filling up this space.

It's not too hard to figure out how to deal with all this "too much" and "more than we need." We decide it is time to get rid of our big house, big yard, big rooms (including big attic), big furniture, and so on. That's when things get difficult.

What do we do with 20 or 30 years of accumulated stuff? How do we let go of things that have sentimental value, like our mother's china or our daughter's stuffed animals? Or what about all those books we've read at least twice and are sure we will read again? And then there is the bedroom set that is like new, and we know one of our kids will want for their kids if we can just store it for them for a while.

You get the idea. Suddenly downsizing seems an overwhelming task.

There are a number of things we can do to make such a life cycle transition more manageable. Here a few ideas suggested to me by folks who have successfully downsized and are glad they did.

• Write out all the advantages to downsizing. For example, less time and money spent on taking care of the house means more time and money for travel or visiting the kids and grandkids. A smaller, single-floor home means less stair climbing and less wear and tear on the knees. Or even, having a smaller place makes it less likely our marginally employed twenty-something son will try to move in with us again. Keep this list handy and read it whenever the downsizing job seems overwhelming.

• Take photographs or videos of things that have sentimental value but no immediate use. The outdoor sign from our first family business may bring back great memories, but a picture is a lot easier to store than the actual 24-square-foot sign. Four years of prom dresses can be priceless, but likely will stir just as many emotions in photo form. We can take a video of the house, yard and neighborhood as a way of memorializing them for our future.

• Earmark garage sale receipts for a special vacation or purchase for the new house. When "getting rid of" has an immediate and enjoyable payoff, it is easier to do.

• Downsize in stages. Rent a storage locker for the stuff that won't fit in the new place but that we just can't let go of. This is also the place to put stuff we're saving for the kids that they can't take yet (and get them to contribute to the cost of the locker). Go through this storage space at least once a year; it is amazing the stuff we couldn't let go of 12 months ago but haven't thought of since.

• Let ourselves grieve. Every life cycle transition involves loss of some kind. It is normal to grieve these losses. Our grieving doesn't mean we have made the wrong choice, but we do need to respect such feelings. And this respect needs to extend to our children as well. Even though they may have moved out a decade ago, the old house may still be home to them.

There are, of course, other paths to downsizing some of us wind up taking. In the last several years, our economy has forced a good many folks to downsize, not because they are ready to, but because they had to. And divorce, the death of a spouse, disability or illness can have a similar impact.

When this happens, it is especially important to acknowledge our emotions. Any time we see ourselves forced or pressured to make such a change, we not only grieve our loss but can feel bitterness, anger and despair at what seems to be our lack of power in our lives.

Short-term counseling can help us deal with such feelings and regain our sense of control over our lives.

Whether our downsizing is a normal part of our family life cycle or something we feel forced in to, there are things we can do to make it a more positive and rewarding experience. If you have reached such a transition in your life, give some of the above suggestions a try and let me know how they work for you.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."