Grammar Moses: I'm sure this minister was a consummate professional

The Rev. Paul Palmer of Arlington Heights surely knows what it's like to elicit a gasp in church.

And what it's like to elicit a gasp after the fact, whether it's the minister's fault or not. About 55 years ago in Arkansas, where Palmer once worked, a friend of his was a college pastor.

He, like other college pastors, would preside over weddings that were regularly reported in the local newspaper.

"The article for that day listed names of bride, groom and attendants, along with a description of the bride's dress," Palmer wrote. "Near the end of the account were these exact words: 'The marriage was consummated before the altar by the Rev. So-and-So."

Whoa, there. That must have been some progressive church!

It's safe to assume that the couple did not consummate the marriage at the altar or that the Rev. So-and-So (not his real name) would have had a hand in it.

I bet the writer froze while trying to come up with "officiate."

"That word and its meaning followed my pastor friend around for several months before the fun and banter finally subsided," Palmer wrote.

I imagine there were more butts in the pews for the next service, though.

Serving detention?

Tom Chekel of Mount Prospect is my kind of guy.

Why? I know nothing about him other than he is eager to learn and he can tell a joke. That's usually enough for me.

Tom wrote recently to point out the misuse of a word in a story: "I was reading a story in your business section about a new building being constructed. The article noted the new location and highlighted some of the physical features that will be incorporated into the new structure, including two brand new detention ponds. I was just wondering if this is where the firm will be sending their problem employees!"

Nothing like a good employee imprisonment joke to make a managing editor smile.

Assuming Tom was pointing out the error of our ways in using "detention" instead of "retention," I wrote him back to explain why we were correct. He was kind enough to thank me for teaching him something.

The universe is large enough to have both detention ponds and retention ponds, you see.

If you've written or edited as many news stories as I have about construction projects and sewerage, you pick up a few things.

A detention pond is a low-lying area that is designed to relieve flooding by temporarily holding an amount of water and slowly draining to another location.

A retention pond holds water year-round and also can accommodate floodwater.

If you have trouble remembering which is which, just look at the root words. A detention pond detains - or slows down - water.

A retention pond retains water, just as you might after scarfing down pizza at your bachelor party the night before trying to button your tuxedo. Just sayin'.

Write carefully!

• Jim Baumann is vice president/managing editor of the Daily Herald. Write him at jbaumann@dailyherald.com. Put Grammar Moses in the subject line. You also can friend or follow Jim at facebook.com/baumannjim.