Helping kids in search for happiness

"I just want to be happy. How do I do that?"

It's a question most of us confront sometime in our late adolescent or young adult years. You remember, when we were supposed to be thinking about what kind of job we wanted, or what kind of college or training program we needed to get into, or just what we wanted to do with the rest of our lives. And at the core of this conundrum was simply "How can I be happy?"

All this made for a good deal of introspection, some interesting late night (and early morning) bull sessions, and more than a little wandering in the wilderness. Sooner or later a majority of us did find at least a reasonably satisfactory answer, or at least one good enough that we settled down and tried to create the happiness we wanted.

Sometime in that process, a few of us talked to our parents. I suspect not a lot of us, though. Remember, those same years in which it's normal to ask these questions are the same years in which it's also normal to believe our parents have few if any answers to any questions.

But I know at least some teens and young adults who really did sit down with their parents and talk through their hopes and dreams, and their desire to simply be happy.

What brings this to mind is that a number of parents I know are now watching their own children go through such soul searching. And a few of them have even had one or two of those rare conversations in which their children have actually asked them for advice. (Well, maybe I should use the word "advice" cautiously here. The first thing we parents need to remember in such situations is that what our kids are really asking for is for us to just listen, then probably empathize a bit, and, finally, maybe, offer them an idea or two.)

You'd think that most parents would relish the opportunity to actually be part of their children's search for happiness. What I have found, however, is that a good many of us wind up either letting our own anxiety take over (what if we say the wrong thing; or for that matter, have nothing worth saying), or say so much that our kids turn us off halfway through our soliloquy.

Well, believe it or not, I think there is an easy and short answer to our children's questions. In the interest of pro-active parenting, then, let me offer you my version:

1. Happiness is an emotion; it comes and goes and is often affected by all kinds of things outside our control. We can certainly feel happy, and hopefully we will many times in our lives. We can't really "be" happy.

2. We can be content. Being content means we are generally satisfied with and at peace with our lives. We may feel unhappy at times, but overall we see our lives as good.

3. Contentment comes when our lives have meaning, when we have a sense of direction and purpose that we believe is worthwhile and that we are proud of.

4. The meaning, direction, or purpose that best brings contentment has to do with contributing to making the world a better place. Most of the world's major religions and philosophical systems include this belief and offer us guidance in how to find such meaning.

5. There are almost unlimited opportunities to put our interests, talents, skills and experiences to use in making the world a better place. If we take advantage of these opportunities we probably won't get rich, but we will be rich in the meaning and contentment we find in life.

Five points - an easy and short answer. Though I guess most of us do spend our entire lives trying to figure out how to put the above into practice (which probably ought to be point No. 6).

Despite this sixth point, I think this answer is probably the right one. And since our culture is busy telling our kids that it's all about high tech and the high life, and since most of us parents know by now - or at least suspect - that isn't true, it may be the answer we need to share with them sooner rather than later. We sure would be doing our kids a favor if we told them now rather than letting them find out the hard way.

An easy answer to a hard question ... well, yes. Living that answer ... that's anything but easy.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."