Constable: Dementia can add stress to Mother's Day, and vice versa

Today is Mother's Day, not Mothers' Day. The national holiday isn't a celebration of motherhood and all mothers, but a chance for you personally to remember your mom.

That becomes more challenging if your mom's dementia means she might not remember you.

"There's a certain kind of loss when your parent might not remember you," says Melissa Tucker, director of helpline (800 272-3900) and support services at the Greater Illinois Chapter of the Alzheimer's Association. "We call it 'ambiguous loss.' The holidays can make that harder for people. You might lose a tradition. There's so much emotion around the holiday. The way you celebrate the holiday may have to change."

The residents living in the memory-care units at Arden Courts of Elk Grove celebrated Mother's Day a week ago Saturday with a special brunch, decorations and a singer, as a way to ease some of that stress, says Janele Williams, marketing director of Arden Courts.

"We make sure we plan events so the residents can have a family experience," Williams says, noting the staff members and other residents provide a positive "family" atmosphere even for those residents whose relatives don't visit. "They still feel that joy they experienced with family."

Today marks Mary Stanton's first Mother's Day at Arden Courts. The mother of five, grandmother of 12 and great-grandmother of five, was living with a couple of her sons until she fell in January and fractured her pelvis, says daughter Pat Cummings of Elk Grove Village. After rehab, Stanton, who turns 95 later this month and suffers from moments of dementia, moved into the memory-care facility.

The woman, who was widowed in 1989 by the death of her lawyer husband, Dick, remembers when she'd cook a big meal for the entire family on most holidays, but acknowledges those days are gone. A DePaul University graduate and avid reader of newspapers and books, Stanton even gave up driving a few years ago after she saw the story about an elderly man who hit the accelerator instead of the brake and plowed through a restaurant window.

"I thought, 'That could happen to me. I could be an idiot like this guy.' So I surrendered my license before I had a problem," Stanton says.

"She still gives zingers," says her daughter, explaining how her mother often delivers a devastating eye roll when appropriate.

"He's quiet, but he's sneaky. Is he peeking again?" Stanton says as Daily Herald photographer Bob Chwedyk quietly maneuvers into position. While Stanton always recognizes her loved ones, she can get confused about other aspects of her life, such as mistakenly saying that she has a roommate, thinking she recently fell off her bicycle or getting up in the middle of the night. Asked about those Mother's Days when she was a young mom, active with school and church, Stanton shrugs and says that her kids gave her "lots of stuff," none of which she saved.

"Empty spaces are happy spaces," she used to say with an authority that led her husband to call her "Sarge." Stanton still keeps a tidy room. Instead of a Mother's Day present to put on her dresser, she'd rather have a nice lunch.

"I enjoy food," she says.

"She used to say, 'If I stop eating, bury me, but give it a few days,'" Cummings says.

With her mom's condition, her own Mother's Day with three daughters, the plans of her siblings and their families, and the celebration of her first Mother's Day as a grandmother to her 11-month-old grandson, Leo, Cummings says her family will "decide at the last minute" on the Mother's Day activities.

That flexibility is key when making plans involving someone with dementia, especially for the caregivers and relatives.

"Maybe they'll get emotional when Mom doesn't respond to 'Happy Mother's Day,'" Williams says.

"They want to take Mom out for brunch because they always used to do that," Tucker says. "It could be really overwhelming. So instead of giving her a good day, you're giving her a bad day."

Tucker says one of the best presents for a mom with dementia could be something from the past.

"Bring in photo albums and engage them in a positive activity. Music is another one of those things," Tucker says, explaining how people with severe memory issues often are able to remember lyrics of old, favorite songs. "That could be a way to connect with your mother on Mother's Day, even if she doesn't remember you."

Memories, such as an old newspaper clipping of Stanton making Red Cross bandages for soldiers during World War II, fill a display case honoring her as resident of the month. She dismisses a comparison to the image of Rosie the Riveter by saying, "I was better looking than that."

Enjoying the humor and good times don't have to be forced into a Mother's Day schedule.

"We just let them know to live in the moment," Williams says.

"I'll just keep being a mother, I guess," Stanton says with a smile.

"You can still express love and care," Tucker says. "That remains important right to the very end."