Ex who didn't want kids, has them with new love

By Carolyn Hax

Q. Is there anything to be gained from talking to an ex who said he never wanted children, and absolutely refused to have them, about why he changed his mind?

We dated for several years and split over this. I wanted children, and as we are both men, it would have required full buy-in by both of us. He said he did not see that happening.

I have moved on and am dating someone with whom I plan to adopt. Meanwhile, I learned that he and his partner have a child born by surrogate, probably biologically linked to one of them. I feel this renders a long chapter in my life unresolved.

I want to talk to him about it, and I have the distance and access to have a healthy conversation. Yet, I'm not sure I want to hear that it wasn't parenthood he wasn't keen on, it was parenthood with me. Is this fair to pursue?

Anything to Gain?

A. Fair? Sure. You can ask.

But your letter isn't about fairness anywhere but the end.

What it's about everywhere else is what you have, or don't have, to gain.

I have an answer to that, too: you already know enough to put this to rest without asking.

People don't work as fixed quantities. You are still you, but you are different now from the man your ex dated. Your ex is also different from the man you dated. This is true with the passage of time alone, but in that time you also presumably experienced and learned new things, allowing you to come to a better understanding of yourself and the world around you.

A person at X years old can have a visceral panic response to the idea of kids, and at X-plus-5 be interviewing potential surrogates.

It also matters that you're now with different people, which affects your view of yourself and the world. At least I hope it does; how dreary otherwise, to be dating someone who adds nothing new, stirs no new feelings and brings out no new sides of yourself.

A healthy relationship will keep your essential character intact. If you're routinely subsumed by your partner, then that's problematic at the other extreme, but it will also broaden your views, itinerary and empathy.

In combination, couples create what you can almost treat as a separate entity, a joint self or persona. Some couples are better people together than they are separately. But I'm sure you have also seen two people bring out each other's worst.

Jealousy, anxiety, possessiveness and competition, among other signs, signal that a couple is an ill-suited pair.

With you and your ex, it could have been more subtle, where you were both decent people who got along well enough, but the version of you two in combination was one that didn't say to him, "Yes, children belong in this home."

This could have been a great instinct that said nothing bad about you as a man, a friend or a potential dad, beyond his sense that you and he didn't quite fit.

Could that be enough? Isn't it? Otherwise, OK, decide what you have to gain and ask away.

Last thing. I see what you're saying, but every couple needs full buy-in. If not by laws of nature, then by laws of decency, please.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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