Keep the items that make you feel better
"Hamza - the horse that runs fast across the desert"
Hamza is a car, the favorite of my dear husband Baheej.
He named it Hamza, which means "the horse who runs fast across the desert." We bought it new in 1993 and Baheej drove it up to 2012. Hamza is now 25 years old, an antique by insurance standards, which only raises its insurance premiums and repair costs! It has only 181,000 miles on it, which is low for its age. I keep it on the road and it's fun to drive.
Deciding whether to keep certain things after the death of a cherished one is very difficult, and the right decision "for you" is very important in the process of coping with long-term grief.
Hamza can turn "on a dime." Very agile. In fact Baheej developed a lot of very creative driving maneuvers over the years because of this car's ability to turn and get into and out of small spaces. For instance, I would think he should back up further before turning, but no, not necessary. That car can get and go anywhere.
It's a little four-door Mercedes, limited edition, each dealer only got one. Anyway, Baheej fell in love with it and called me on the phone to ask what I thought. I had already moved to Illinois to take a fun job with Motorola which was riding high at the time. So I said, "If not now, when?" So he bought it and drove it out here to Illinois. And he enjoyed every mile.
It's been in great shape - body and interior very nice and original. The last 15 years it has not been driven very much and not in winter.
Bu then a couple months ago, I backed it out of the garage, and the passenger's-side rearview mirror got caught on a rake and snapped off. Oops, very expensive repair. But nice Farmers Insurance paid after my deductible. There was only one mirror/part left in the whole USA, but Motorwerks car dealer found it and it was restored.
I'm very happy since every time I drive it I think of how much Baheej liked that car, the racehorse.
Deciding what to keep and what to let go of after a loved one dies can be difficult.
Baheej published stories, and newspaper articles, fables, plays, and lovely novels in English, and also had lots of unpublished stories and manuscripts. You have to decide what papers are important to you.
Memberships in clubs is something else you have to decide whether to continue.
These are great fun when a couple or when the family is young and you go there often. In my case, we had two. After much deliberation, I let one go and kept the other.
The University Club of Chicago is a great place and provided a home away from home when we were commuting downtown for work. A homey place and private retreat from the city when desired, and a place to stay overnight during Chicago's infamous winters when highways are slick with ice.
So I kept two big things, Hamza and the University Club of Chicago. Both are so loaded with happy memories, I just can't let go.
And, of course, there are many smaller things or services to keep, or sell, or donate.
In my case, I kept all those small and personal things, and the house is very much the same as it was six years ago.
But this "what to keep" issue is a very individual thing. My advice is to choose what makes you feel better, and what you can afford.
In the meantime, Hamza is still "on the road," and I usually go to the annual University Club New Year's Day extravagant party. And I think of Baheej and all the happy times.
• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com.