The challenges of joining the 'sandwich generation'

Overheard on the train: "I hate being this late. The sitter complains and he just pouts. Then he wants to stay up past his bedtime and that makes him even grouchier the next day."

"How old is your Dad now?"

"Eighty-seven."

They've been called the "sandwich generation." Men and women usually in their 40s, 50s and sometimes even 60s who have dependent children at home and dependent parents living with them or nearby.

They seem to spend most of their time caring for either one generation or the other, leaving precious little time for themselves or anything else. They are too often frazzled, frustrated and fatigued.

Then there's the other side (the elderly's side) of the coin. Let's face it, one of the unintended consequences of our health care system's too frequent obsession with quantity of years rather than quality of life is that more and more of us are living longer but are less healthy. Our extra years are spent becoming increasingly dependent on others for our care. This is usually frustrating and humiliating for the seniors so afflicted.

Now, there are certainly some good, even excellent, health care facilities for senior citizens who require assistance in living.

The reality is, though, as we get older most of us prefer to live alone as long as possible and then within the family. It is not that we want to be dependent on our sons or daughters or other relatives, it is just that if we have to depend on someone we'd rather it was the people we know and love.

Add to this mix (the "third" side of the coin?) children who need a good deal of time and attention from Mom and Dad and we have family systems overload. Or at least that is how it seems to the middle-aged adults caught in this generational sandwich.

This is not a new problem. Elder care has always been an expected part of extended family relations.

What is new are the social and economic forces which have led to the predominance of the two-career and single-parent household.

Whether by choice or necessity, often no one is home anymore to take care of the seniors (or juniors) who need extra care.

There are, I know, a growing number of "in‑home" services for the elderly (companions, nurses, meal deliveries). Most of these, however, cost money. And the cost is often not covered by insurance.

So a lot of us struggle to "make do" with what we can handle ourselves and what help we can afford to buy.

Now that I've done such a good job of explaining the problem, wouldn't it be nice if I had a good solution. Unfortunately, I don't.

I can suggest that we all make it easier on each other by acknowledging that things are a bit strained for all of us - children, parents and the elderly. And just talking with each other about this can make a big difference. If we can empathize with (rather than blame) each other, we will all feel less overwhelmed.

Let me also observe that, as with children, people in their senior years do better with as much freedom and responsibility as they can manage. We need to avoid over‑protecting the elderly just as much as we need to do so with the young. And we want to avoid sounding condescending or patronizing.

Our elders may seem childlike at times in their needs, but they have decades of experience and wisdom that deserve our respect.

Finally, we need to rally the family as a whole to meet the needs of the elderly in our midst. Too often one family member becomes the designated caretaker for the elder parent or relative with little help from the rest of the clan.

There is no reason that any number of family members cannot regularly participate in the day-to-day assistance required by some of the elderly.

All this sounds like work, probably work we don't really feel we have time for. Yet it is part of being family. And, pragmatically, those of us in the sandwich generation are setting an example for our own children, who may have to take care of us in the not too distant future.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."