Forgiveness takes more than an apology

A couple sat in my office a while ago struggling with years of unresolved problems. As the wife talked, she became more and more agitated, until finally she seemed to be almost exploding in anger.

She recited a litany of her husband's past transgressions, to the total surprise of her increasingly confused and frustrated spouse.

Finally, as her rage subsided, her husband mumbled a painful, yet sincere, "I'm sorry. I never knew. I'm really sorry."

There was total silence in the room. Then, her face again livid with rage, the woman responded, "No you're not!"

Her husband, incensed at the rejection of the apology that had been so hard for him to make, stormed out of the room.

The story has a happy ending. After many months of effort, this couple managed to work through their anger and begin to build a more healthy relationship. But it was tough work for all of us, and touch and go for quite a while.

Looking back, I can see one very essential ingredient to their success: forgiveness. Without a lot of forgiving on everyone's part, there would have been no chance of ever really putting their marriage back together.

Without forgiveness, hurts (and the resulting anger and emotional withdrawal) tend to keep building up, one on top of the other. Eventually, we have a pile so high that nothing we can do will clear it away. My guess is that an awful lot of relationships that could be saved wind up being destroyed by an overwhelming accumulation of such unforgiven wrongs.

Unfortunately, forgiveness is not as simple as it sounds. This is especially true when we are dealing with something as complex as a marriage.

E. Hobart Mowrer, a University of Illinois psychologist, had some interesting and important ideas about forgiveness, which I think might be of help here. Let's take a look at them.

Mowrer believed forgiveness has four distinct components. When one person hurts another, all of these components of forgiveness are needed to resolve the situation. If any are missing, things are never really brought to a healthy conclusion.

The first necessary component of forgiveness is what I call "awareness." We all do things that hurt other people. Often we aren't even aware of it. For true forgiveness to take place, we first have to realize what we have done. Whether we wake up to the consequences of our actions ourselves, or whether someone else points them out to us, somehow we need to be aware that we have messed things up.

Second, and more difficult, is "confession." It is not enough to say to ourselves, "Gee, I guess I hurt somebody. I'll never do that again." For true forgiveness to take place, we have to say quite clearly, "I have hurt you. I'm sorry. I wish that I had not done it. Please forgive me." And we need to say this, if at all possible, directly to the person we have hurt.

Third, we need to experience "acceptance." We need to clearly hear and feel that the person we have wronged has accepted our confession. That may not be easy.

I think all of us want to hang on to our anger and get back at people who have hurt us. Yet, for true healing to take place, we have to let go of our anger, accept their confession, and clearly say, "I forgive you."

Finally, Mowrer introduces an idea that seems a little strange. It is called "restitution." He believes (and I agree) that there needs to be a sense of repayment for the hurt we have done.

For example, let's say that I get so wrapped up in my work that I start to ignore by wife. My eventual awareness, confession and experiencing forgiveness might be followed by my paying extra attention (special gifts, setting aside special times, etc.) as restitution for the hurt I have caused. And it would be important that I did this willingly and happily.

Mowrer points out that restitution is as necessary to the person who did the hurt as it is to the person who was hurt. We both need to feel like we are setting things right. We both need to see a change in behavior before we can truly trust that the problem is ended.

I've used these four steps - awareness, confession, acceptance and restitution - in my work with individuals, couples and families, as well as in my own life. They make sense. They work.

One other thought. Sometimes our transgressions involve people or groups with whom we don't really have a chance to work through such forgiveness. For example, my father died a number of years ago, yet there are still hurts between us. Or take littering, an offense that hurts everybody. It is rather impractical to say "I'm sorry" to a couple of hundred million people.

In such instances, we can still use the four steps of forgiveness. I can talk through my need to forgive, and be forgiven by, my father with other family members. I can even make restitution by being a better father to my own children.

And we can stop littering, speak out against it, and even pick up others people's trash to work through that transgression and our need for forgiveness.

Forgiveness is certainly not easy. It is hard to know when we hurt others. It is risky to say "I'm sorry." It is difficult to accept an apology and say "I forgive you. And it can be a real struggle to make restitution by changing our behavior.

But we have to try. To build relationships that are healthy, and to feel good about ourselves as individuals, we need to ask for, to receive and to give forgiveness.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."