Are daughter's terms for caring for elderly mom selfish?

Q. My mom has become frail enough physically that she told me and my two brothers that she no longer thinks she can handle living alone.

She asked us all about living with us, and my brothers - both married - said it wouldn't be feasible. I - single - said it might be possible and we discussed it more, just the two of us. We agreed I would move in with my mom, she would pay expenses like bills and groceries, and she would leave me the house in her will.

My brothers both said I'm taking advantage of her, and they should each get one-third of the house when she dies. My mom thinks they're right, wants me to pay half the bills and wants to leave the house to each of us equally.

I don't want to move if I'm not going to have the security of some money saved up and a home to live in when she dies. My brothers both said I was being selfish. Am I?

A. They want none of the caregiving but all of the money, and call you selfish.

I'll say upfront that what you're offering to do isn't just a job and money isn't its only possible compensation. Caregiving is work, of course, but - if you and your mom get along well or are both committed to getting along better - this time with your mother can be a priceless opportunity to give back to her, get closer to her, know her differently, hear her stories.

Your interest in securing your future is reasonable, though, because you're uprooting and signing on for a heavy, open-ended responsibility - emotional, physical, financial. Imagine, for example, if your mom develops dementia and turns on you.

So: Do not let your brothers gaslight you out of documented compensation for your doing this important work for your family.

Now, are the entire house and zero expenses the only fair terms? No. You could be a caregiver for 10 years or, pardon me, 10 weeks. A house as compensation for 10 weeks is an arrangement your brothers ought to protest.

There's certainly room to adjust the terms for both the living expenses and the inheritance, though. You have a sound argument for moving and resettling expenses, both directions; for relief from many, most or all daily expenses both as compensation and so you're able to save toward a home when you need one; for your brothers to kick in money toward those expenses proportionate to your contribution of time; for extra consideration in the will if you're in this role long-term.

As terrible as it seems to reduce an act of love to a business deal, the circumstances are such that one of you stands to bear all of the load for the others, and that is a formula for deep and lasting, even family-splitting resentment.

So take a deep breath and state calmly that you're not looking to profit. You are looking for due consideration of your effort - effort they are unwilling to invest themselves, hello - and security in exchange for the risk you alone are assuming on their and Mom's behalf. Equal thirds are not in fact equal - not unless you're made whole in some other way.

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