Parents may struggle when kids don't leave

Editor's note: This column is the second in a two-part series.

We talked last week about that time in the life of a marriage in which the last child "leaves the nest." This is a time of adjustment for all families, and a time of crisis for some. In fact, the "empty nest" period is one of the more frequent times in which divorce occurs.

Though the empty nest transition is stressful, it's a normal part of movement through the family life cycle. A family faces a much different - and often more difficult challenge - when children, for whatever reason, fail to launch themselves into adulthood.

Young, middle-aged, and even older "children" can remain in the homes of their parents for a number of reasons. For example, this can happen as a result of a child's handicap present from birth or developed later as a result of disease or injury.

Financial factors also can play a part. Independent living is increasingly expensive for single adults. For many, it is a goal that can seem almost impossible to achieve. Young adults especially often find themselves remaining at home for financial reasons long after they intended.

Most troublesome, however, is when children fail to leave home because of unresolved emotional issues. For example, some children failed to receive enough of the love, support or encouragement they needed to function as independent, autonomous adults.

They may remain at home, then, hoping to somehow make up for this deficit. And we parents sometimes collude with their dependency and self-defeating behaviors out of our own guilt or fear.

Equally problematic can be those situations in which adult children remain or return home to protect what they see as their parent's fragile marriages.

Aware of the challenges an empty nest brings to even strong marriages, these children seek to act as buffers, mediators or distractions for their parents. They sacrifice their entry into adulthood to prevent what they fear will be the end of their parents' relationship.

Whatever the reason, such a "cluttered nest" can be difficult for everyone involved.

How are such adult children to be treated in terms of privileges, responsibilities or expectations? What kind of financial demands can they legitimately place on their parents? Are they guests, or boarders, or what?

The older our children get, the harder such questions can become. And when there exists unaddressed emotional or relational issues, these questions can be lightning rods for all sorts of pent up feelings.

Fortunately, there are some steps we can take to promote the successful launching of our adult children, or to at least live harmoniously with them if they remain in, or return to, the nest:

• We need to recognize that we are preparing our children for independence from the day they are born. Our job as parents truly is to work ourselves out of a job. If we sense that our children are experiencing difficulty in being appropriately self-sufficient, we want to address this problem as soon as possible, whether they are 5 or 35.

• When our children remain in our home because of physical, mental or financial limitations, we can make sure they are treated as much like adults as possible. This can mean doing chores, contributing money, or whatever else helps them to be as adult as they can.

• As much as possible, we have to stop being parents in the ways we have been accustomed to. We are no longer responsible for our adult children (of course, this is much less true for parents of mentally or physically disabled children). We are responsible for ourselves and our marriages. It is time for us to rediscover our own and our spouse's specialness, to go off in new directions, to grow.

• If we suspect our adult children's failure to declare independence is the result of their emotional problems, or our own marital problems, we need to get help. Unless we deal openly, honestly and constructively with the issues involved, our families can remain stuck in some very painful and destructive ways.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."