Husband prioritizes texting over talking with wife

Q. My husband has an annoying habit of picking up his phone the second he gets a text message, even mid-conversation, and then dropping everything else to respond right away. This irks me.

I have tried, unsuccessfully, to battle a similar behavior of his, in which we're talking and he gets distracted. But if I point that out or ask a question and pause, he will replay the last five seconds like a loop recorder and respond to what I just said, which in his mind justifies that it is not a problem. He's made it clear he doesn't think it needs to change.

But my failure to change that behavior, even pointing it out in the moment as a mature adult, makes me insecure about how to say I think these text interruptions are rude. Any suggestions?

A. "Please don't answer that text while we're talking."

If that feels confrontational, reframe it as a request you don't think twice about. "Can you get the door? My hands are full."

If he responds again with his usual defense, then don't argue that point, because it's not the point. It's about respect. "I'm not saying you can't do both; I'm saying it's disrespectful to divide your attention." Suspend conversations till the phone is off.

I agree with your decision to focus on the bigger message: he doesn't care to change. Your strategies are appropriate to that challenge - the pause, the pointed question - and a calm request that he put his phone away would fit in well. Even better, a suggestion beforehand that you both put phones away.

But so would thinking even more expansively about what's going awry. On your part, there's the possibility that you're taking too long to get to your point, or dwelling on a topic well past its expiration date, or demanding his attention at inopportune times, either wittingly or un-.

On his part, there's compulsion for his phone (can we call it an epidemic yet?) and contempt for you. Work up the courage, please: "Devices are killing us. Put it down and be present." If he's treating every moment as an inopportune one - can't tell from here - then that would be a form of hostility as well.

Plus, his last-five-seconds stunt is disrespectful, even if you are beating points to death or choosing bad times to make them. To communicate honestly is a show of respect: "You're right, I'm drifting, can we talk about it later?," or, "Can we give this topic a rest? We're going in circles" - because at least it validates your observation that he's not fully there.

In lieu of this validation, he's denying, and thereby subtly shifting the blame to you - essentially saying, no, he's not being rude, you've just failed to appreciate how attentive he is.

Let's say he can't honestly validate you that way, because he wasn't actually "drifting"; there are respectful ways for him to do this, too. "I'm sorry, X caught my eye - I am listening, though." Meaning, yes, you're correct, I look distracted, I just happen not to be.

Trust the power of your truth. "That's insulting, please stop." And be mindful of having blame turned back on you - with a skilled therapist, just you, if need be.

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