Talking helps couples avoid conflicts over finances

There's an old saying about three things not to discuss at the dinner table: politics, religion and money. Many families extend this proscription to family conversation in general. We avoid these topics not only at meal times, when we'd understandably like some peace and harmony, but the rest of the time too.

Though we may be able to postpone such discussions, sooner or later we're going to have to talk, especially about the money part. Such talk is often difficult; in fact, most couples do not do at all well when it comes to dealing with money matters.

Unresolved conflict around family finances is among the top four or five reasons people seek the help of marriage counselors.

Deciding what to do with our money is never an easy task. We almost always have limited resources, yet seemingly unlimited needs and wants. And we also have different spending habits and values. Often, these reflect not so much our own rationally thought-out choices, but simply the habits and values of the families in which we grew up.

Which is often a big part of the problem. How often have we wound up justifying an opinion about what to do with our money by proclaiming: "We'll, that's the way we always did it." Even when we don't say it, or think it, such a family legacy is frequently there.

Often our choice of car, home, vacation destination, savings plan (or lack of), even groceries, is primarily the result of such held-over habits and values rather than ones we have thought out for ourselves.

And because each marital partner comes from a different family, disagreement, misunderstanding and conflict are almost inevitable.

All of the above, as you might guess, leads me to some suggestions about how to talk about family finances:

1. Talk regularly. The more we discuss our finances, the better we will understand each other and the decisions we must make. That doesn't mean we want to talk about money all the time, but enough so that we are comfortable with the topic.

2. Talk constructively. Communications skills such as openness, clarity, specificity, listening for meaning, and checking things out ("I hear you saying …") are especially important when it comes to conversations about money.

3. Accept responsibility for developing our own habits and values. Let's own up to how much of what we think and do is simply left over from the families we grew up in. It's time to take the risk of thinking things through for ourselves. We've got a much better chance of agreeing as a couple if we each start over with a blank slate.

4. Work together. It is fairly common for one spouse or the other to accept primary responsibility for managing the family money. There is nothing wrong with that, but make sure that both partners know what is going on and are involved in making decisions.

5. Avoid power plays. Unless we've agreed otherwise, "our" money is family money. We may make twice as much as our spouse, or not work at all, but that still shouldn't give us any more or less say over family finances.

6. Be flexible and creative. "We've always done it that way …" doesn't mean much. Maybe that is why our finances are messed up. We may need to learn something about financial management and make some changes in our own way of handling things.

7. Look for common ground, compromise. We probably do agree on more than we think. And sometimes "giving in" really doesn't hurt much in the long run. Especially if we both are focusing on what we can give to each other, such compromise can even be downright pleasant.

8. Renegotiate. We probably ought to take a look at our family finances at least twice a year, and certainly whenever there is a change in income or expense. If something isn't working, we then have a chance to tinker with it or try something else altogether.

All in all, our financial discussions are bound to be fraught with conflict at times. Yet, if we both approach such dialogue with an open mind and good communication skills, we'll have a good start on putting our family financial house back in order.

On the other hand, I guess we could just wait until we win the lottery.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."