Ask yourself whether you're living the life you want

Over the years, I have become accustomed to working with people in their 40s or early 50s who are questioning whether the lives they have been pursuing are really the lives they want to be living.

Sometimes such questioning is a result of a job lay off. Sometimes it happens after a life-threatening illness. And sometimes it is simply a matter of getting older and, if not wiser, at least wearier.

Whatever the cause, we find ourselves wondering whether pursuing "the American dream" isn't a bit of a nightmare. Our physical and mental health, our families and friendships, our very sense that life is worth living all can begin to suffer as we speed down the highway to success American style.

The big house, three cars, vacation getaway, etc., look a lot less attractive when we begin to consider the real cost of pursuing them.

What has been different the last few years is the number of people in their late 20s or 30s who have shown up in my office to talk about their sense that their lives in the fast lane somehow don't seem much like living. These are often young professionals, entrepreneurs, corporate ladder climbers, who, after 10 or so years of hard work, are asking themselves whether this is really "what it's all about."

Good question.

And maybe it's good news that they are asking now rather than 15 or 20 years from now. The damage done by their success-driven lifestyles is usually still at a minimum. And it is often is a lot easier to make changes in the way we live when we are in our 20s and 30s than when we are in our 40s and 50s.

But what changes?

Usually the folks I work with come to the conclusion that the things in life that really make them happy don't have a lot to do with the success they have been so desperately pursuing.

Though a certain level of material comfort and security is certainly important, these people eventually recognize that it is the depth of the relationships in their lives and the meaning they find in their work that ultimately bring happiness.

Obviously, deep relationships and meaningful work don't automatically translate into "success." In fact, taking time for people or doing work that is worth doing will likely run counter to fast-lane living. We may find ourselves exiting the fast lane and choosing a slower, less frantic, less success-driven existence in order to live the lives we want to live.

I'm not suggesting this is easy; it certainly hasn't been for me. I am suggesting it will have a lot to do with whether we ultimately decide that our lives have been worth living at all. And that's a really big question.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."