Do's and don'ts of offering encouragement

A friend of mine likes to tell the story of a half marathon he ran a few years ago.

It was one of those hot, humid, oppressive days in which nobody in their right mind would be out running that far. By the last few miles, most of the runners were pretty spent.

Rounding a bend in the road, my buddy came upon a group of teenagers who were doing their best to cheer the struggling contestants toward the finish line. You had to hand it to these kids; though running this particular race was no treat, it couldn't have been a lot of fun to stand out in that heat as a spectator, either.

One girl in particular was really into it and was yelling at the top of her lungs, "Come on! You're almost there! Only a mile to go!"

Now, if you've ever done any running, or biking, or walking in such races, you know that hearing "only a mile to go" can be quite a motivator. I don't know anybody who doesn't pick up the pace a bit, who doesn't at least dream of sprinting that last mile to the finish line.

So off my friend went, along with a good many of the other runners. They ran a bit (or, for some, a lot) faster, started to relax, got that "I'm almost there" smile - or grimace - on their faces.

Except they weren't almost there.

The cheerleader's intentions were good, but either her sense of distance or her understanding of motivation were a bit off. There were actually two miles to go.

That's a big difference in running, especially when you've already run 11-plus miles in misery. And as people started to realize her unintentional or intentional error, their paces slowed. Some, exhausted from what they thought was the final push, had to walk.

Encouragement is a wonderful motivator. It also has to be a realistic motivator. "You can do it!" is great to hear, but only if we can do it. Otherwise, we can wind up trying something we aren't capable of or, at least, ready for. The results can be disastrous.

"Just give it a try!" may be all somebody needs to risk something new that they will really enjoy or benefit from. Or it may involve something that they had no business trying at all.

"You're almost there!" or "It's almost done!" or "It's not hard!" - no matter how well-intentioned - can mislead someone to rush or underestimate a task. Unnecessary failure and disappointment can follow.

To be truly helpful, our encouragement must meet three criteria. First, it must include an accurate assessment of other people's true abilities and potentials, as well as the situation. They really do need to be able to do it.

Second, encouragement needs to be tempered with an understanding of the risk involved. Some failures are relatively benign. Others are life-threatening.

Third, encouragement must be offered at the right time, not too early, not too late. And it will likely need to be offered more than once. We often need as much encouragement at mile one as we do later in the race.

Don't stop encouraging the people around you. Do be aware of the importance of keeping it real.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."