Sci-fi fantasy 'Valerian' done in by bad casting, convoluted plot
French filmmaker and avid comic book aficionado Luc Besson has made some doozy movies in his career, but none matches the effervescent incoherence and dumbfounding miscasting of his pop-shlock-culture-driven science fiction 3-D fantasy "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets."
Based on the popular French comic book "Valerian et Laureline" created during the 1960s, "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets" stars "Amazing Spider-Man 2" villain Dane DeHaan (he's Green Goblin) and British super-model-turned-actress Cara Delevingne as romantically connected intergalactic special operatives on a mission to save the universe during the 28th century.
The story begins more or less on a surrealistic computer-generated beach scene where thin, bald aliens resembling distant relatives of Pandora's blue "Avatar" denizens search for special pearls and desperately seek a rare "trans-matter" device resembling a Dr. Seuss version of a baby ankylosaurus.
After that, the story details become more scattershot and impenetrable, like listening to John Cleese explain the theory of relativity. Or Rihanna performing as a pole-dancing, shape-shifting stripper, which actually happens in the movie.
As Valerian and Laureline, DeHaan and Delevingne are dwarfed by the sheer size and scope of Besson's visual onslaught of hallucinogenic, "Alice in Wonderland" set pieces and creatures.
DeHaan's wispy Valerian fades into the consoles; Delevingne lets her eyebrows do all the heavy dramatic lifting, and they don't really get much of a workout.
"I'm a soldier," Valerian announces in Besson's own clunky, cringe-worthy expository dialogue. "I play by the rules! It's what makes me who I am!"
In the spare moments between sensory-assaulting action scenes, Valerian and Laureline exchange embarrassingly sophomoric romantic overtures. ("Love breaks all rules!" Laureline burbles.)
A vintage 1960s-era chauvinism colors Valerian's male attitude, one that enables him to ridicule Laureline for being a female driver (i.e. a bad one), plus issue her orders and commands which she comes to resent, but way too late.
Composer/actor/musician Herbie Hancock pops up on a video screen as the bickering couple's mission-issuing supervisor. He dispatches them to a giant, ever-growing space station called Alpha, a melting pot of intergalactic cultures and enterprises.
The first thing Valerian and Laureline must do is locate a missing commander (Clive Owen) - simply called The Commander - who has programmed an army of austere-looking robots to do his bidding in his absence.
"Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets" will undoubtedly be embraced by Besson's more fervent fans who might point out that his 1997 comic space fantasy "The Fifth Element" went on to become something of a cherished cult item after an initial indifference from critics and the public.
Anything's possible. The disjointed, episodic construction of "Valerian" and its ineffectively charmless heroes don't make this a likely candidate for cult status.
"I know I can be full of myself from time to time," Valerian confesses to Laureline.
And sometimes he's just full of it.
“Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets”
★ ½
Starring: Dane DeHaan, Cara Delevingne, Clive Owen, Rhianna, Ethan Hawke, Herbie Hancock
Directed by: Luc Besson
Other: A EuropaCorp/STXfilms release. Rated PG-13 for language, sexual references and violence. 137 minutes