Pushing kids too far, too fast comes at a cost

In the last 20 years or so, we have developed a wealth of material instructing parents on how to accelerate their children's learning of academic and other skills.

Much of this has focused in particular on the preschool years: We can help our children master colors and shapes, learn the alphabet (and then on to words and reading), develop math skills, nurture musical talents, etc.

Increasingly, however, other voices are being raised. Many experts in early childhood development and in education are suggesting we can easily go overboard in our desire to give our children a head start in their quest for knowledge and achievement. And, after a few decades of observing children who get such early attention, we have more and more research to suggest these voices of caution are probably right.

Most experts agree that children, even young children, can learn more than we often give them credit for. And they do not dispute that, with an intense and concentrated effort, some children have displayed remarkable abilities.

The question, however, is at what cost? A growing number of experts are concerned that in our push for learning we are not paying close attention to the total needs of our children.

Children are complex creatures. Their needs as they grow and mature toward adulthood are complex as well.

Children do need to master a wide array of knowledge of skills in such concrete disciplines as mathematics, language, science and so on. And it is important that they are encouraged to develop any unique artistic or athletic talents they may possess.

But that only scratches the surface. Even more important are our children's emotional, relational and spiritual needs. They need to be helped to understand and experience positively the whole range of feelings that are a part of life - joy, sorrow, satisfaction, regret, pleasure, anger.

Such needs are present even in preschoolers. And our job as parents is to find age-appropriate ways in which to "educate" our children as to these crucial parts of who they are and are becoming. Such educating is often more difficult, yet also more important, than that in the academic, physical, or artistic spheres.

Likewise, attempting to push our children's development can often create a good deal of unnecessary stress. Children become stressed when we ask them to do things they are not mentally, physically, or emotionally ready for. And we parents will also feel such stress when our efforts seem blocked by our children's inability or unwillingness to master the knowledge or skills we have tried to teach them. Such stress gets played out destructively in ourselves and in our relationships.

Educators and child development experts suggest we parents can assist our children in their mastery of the knowledge and skills they will need to grow and develop toward adulthood. They offer the following pointers:

1. Respond to our children's initiative. Children want to learn. We want to be sensitive to their efforts to do so and respond encouragingly. If our children are constantly picking up children's books and attempting to read them, we might experiment with attempting to teach them some basic reading skill. For example: we can check with our local school for suggestions on how to best do this. But we want to respond to our children, not push them.

2. Offer new learning techniques. Keep materials around that excite our children's curiosity and challenges them to learn more. If a child seems fascinated by musical sounds, we might want to offer them a small musical instrument to play with, just to allow them to explore their interests further.

3. Let our children set the pace. Children will grow and develop at a healthy pace. We need to remember, however, that each child's pace will be different. Kids are not in a competition to see who can grow up fastest (nor are we parents competing with each other to raise the most "advanced" children).

There are a number of excellent books and websites on child development available if you would like to explore this issue further. The responsible ones all will stress the theme we have talked about here: A child needs to grow and develop in a variety of ways and most importantly, in their own way. We parents should enable our children's development, not try to dictate it.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."