Father of the bride wants to control wedding

Q. This past weekend, my boyfriend proposed to me while we were in New England on a trip. We are both in our 30s.

On the way back home, we stayed overnight at my parents' home. Over dinner, my father came to both of us to talk about his vision for the wedding - the most convenient city to have the festivities (not where we live now), the hotel that he does business with (it has great rates!), getting married at my childhood church (we belong to one we like), the ease of travel for family members who live on the East Coast (they can fly, drive or train), and so on.

At one point, my father was arguing with my mother because she suggested that maybe his ideas did not match what we want.

My fiance was very surprised at how my father acted and privately asked me if this is a regular occurrence (yes, it's happened before). I am embarrassed and very upset about my father's behavior, and am dreading going any further.

I realize my father will ultimately be the financier of the festivities and am struggling on the best and most effective way to let him know that, no, we do not want the wedding you never had. Also, I do not want my father to go into debt for the wedding of his dreams.

We want to have a wedding that is memorable with local flavor, where we live, to celebrate where we met each other and are living now, not in an area where I haven't lived since I was in high school.

Carolyn, this is Day 4 and I had a nightmare that I showed up at our wedding and hated it. Please help me navigate this.

The Bridezilla Is My Father!

A. Since you can't time-travel to last weekend (or 10 years ago), find the courage to stand up to Dad now. Say you're touched by his enthusiasm, but respectfully decline to have the wedding he envisions. Explain that it's perfect for him but doesn't suit you.

As in, tell him the truth. Please. Kindly, kindly, and soon. And get used to it, because "happened before" says it'll happen again.

Then proceed as your own planner and financier. Money is control, and you want control, so you pay for the wedding. You're in your 30s and live independently; carry that weight accordingly.

If your parents would like to contribute money toward the wedding you have in mind, then that would be a lovely gesture on their part and a lovely gesture for you to accept, assuming you're ready to insist that no strings be attached.

If there's some aspect of the wedding on which you're willing to let your parents put their stamp, invitations, say, or the next-day brunch, then even better. Inclusion soothes.

It does sound as if your father will take this badly, but that's the risk he assumes by stepping over lines into others' business and expecting to get his way. Steady yourself with that truth.

You've moved away, built a life. What better occasion than the creation of your own nuclear family to take calm, symbolic hold of the reins and thank your parents for raising you to do so. Hint. You can do this.

Congratulations to you both.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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