When you both get your dream job - but in different cities
Q: My fiance was just offered his dream job, which would require us to move to another state - but I just got hired at my dream job two months ago. My new job is everything I could have hoped for: I'm finally respected and appreciated, and my new boss is already saying he can see me in a leadership position. Additionally, my fiance's dream job is located in a smaller town where there would be a lot less opportunity for me. I think my fiance should find a job in the city where we already live. He thinks I should give up my job and move because this is such a fantastic opportunity for him. I don't know what to do.
A: I could tell you, "It's just a job. It can't love you back. People are more important." But couldn't the same be said to your fiance?
Or I could point out that dream jobs are few and far between, not to be discarded lightly - but again, I'd have to say the same to him.
Finally, I could note that even dream jobs can fall apart in your hands - and so can relationships, with or without rings. "Promising" is different from "guaranteed."
Here's my bias: I've seen firsthand the misery that can result when one partner uproots for the other's job offer and ends up isolated with no opportunities. Then again, I also know of couples who traded off following each other's dreams - a decision they arrived at mutually and ungrudgingly, with due consideration for the follower's needs and sacrifices. I'm not convinced you'll get that consideration if your fiance truly thinks you should quit your dream job two months in for a "fantastic opportunity for him." Besides a happy partner, what's in it for you?
I don't know how imminent your wedding is, or if/when you hope to bring kids into the picture. But if you both plan to keep careers outside the home, this dual-dream-job dilemma offers a unique opportunity to run a premarital simulation on reconciling these kinds of high-stakes conflicts. And from the "avoiding lifelong regrets" angle, mutually postponing marriage is an easier mistake to undo than leaving a dream job prematurely.
Since I have no attachments or nonrefundable deposits at stake, my advice would be for the two of you to separately test-drive your dream jobs and see if they're really all they're cracked up to be, with frequent visits to each other's hometowns. I'm betting that after a year, you'll each have a better idea whether you want to (1) look for a new job or see if you can take your current job with you to your partner's hometown, (2) continue in your "commuter relationship" or (3) continue on your own.
And in between researching housing options and cheap weekend airfares, you might also look into couples counseling. There's no "right" outcome here, but a third party can help you both navigate how best to pursue your goals as individuals and as a couple.
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PRO TIP: Depending on how far you move and your employment status, you may be eligible to deduct moving expenses related to a new job from your taxable income. See IRS Publication 521, Moving Expenses.
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Ask Karla Miller about your work dramas and traumas by emailing wpmagazine@washpost.com.