Don't let fear keep you from solving problems

Once upon a time, there was a man adrift in a small, leaky boat. The seas were rough, and it was all the man could do to keep the boat from being swamped. For hours on end he found himself sitting precariously in the center of his frail craft, afraid any move would upset its fragile balance.

Gradually, however, it became apparent that one of the small leaks in the bottom of the boat was becoming larger. And though a supply of wooden plugs, a mallet, and even some pitch were stored in the rear of the boat for just such an emergency, the man hesitated to attempt to fix the leak. His movements to save the boat, he was afraid, might just capsize it instead.

Meanwhile, as he sat pondering his dilemma, the boat slowly but surely filled with water.

Life seems to present us with many such dilemmas. More often than not, it seems there is just as much risk involved in attempting to solve a problem as there is in ignoring it.

This is especially true in marriages. We work hard to achieve stability, comfort and security in our marriages. We develop a balance that allows us to direct our attention to other, more problematic, areas of our life. And we take for granted that our marriages will remain on an even keel.

But nothing remains the same - or at least not for long. We change - physically, emotionally and spiritually. People (like children, friends, parents) enter or leave our lives. We move across town or across country. We switch jobs or return to school or develop new interests.

Some of these changes are planned. Others - illness, loss of a friend, a job transfer - just happen. But planned or not, all these changes put a strain on our marital relationship.

You might say that, in the rough seas life throws our way, our matrimonial vessel eventually springs a leak or two. Then we are faced with the same dilemma as the mariner in our opening parable.

We recognize that our marriage needs a bit of repair work, that we must adjust to the changes in ourselves and world around us. Yet, if we begin this change process, we will threaten, to some degree, the stability, comfort and security we have achieved and depended upon in our marriages. We might even lose our relationship in our attempt to save it.

So there we sit. We wonder: If we just ignore our marital problems, will they go away? Or, perhaps it is just our imagination; there's nothing really wrong. We may even conclude that things are hopeless, the best we can do is hold out as long as possible and then abandon ship.

Meanwhile, as we hesitate, our marriage slowly begins to sink.

I don't know about you, but I'd just as soon go down fighting. I'll risk doing all I can to deal with my marital problems, even though things may get awfully unsteady in the process. When it comes right down to it, my marriage is worth it.

How about yours? If you sense your marriage springing a leak or two, perhaps it's time you rocked the boat a bit. It's sure better than just watching it sink.

Isn't it?

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."