Looking back sometimes unlocks future

"I never look back. I only look ahead."

A strange statement for someone consulting a psychotherapist, but one recently made to me, nonetheless.

He had a problem. Actually, it was the sort of problem that psychotherapy can help solve. And he himself was intelligent, insightful and motivated. He just didn't see why he should dredge up all this "stuff" from his past if what he wanted help with was a problem in his present.

I had to agree with him that too often therapists spend so much time and energy directing their clients to look back that they never do anything about the here and now. Most people come into therapy because they have a real problem they want help with. And not help a few years from now, but help now.

But people also want help that works. We don't just want a quick and easy - but temporary - solution, we also want one that solves the problem and keeps it from reoccurring.

And that's why we need to look back. Too often the solutions we use to try to solve our problems are simply variations of the ideas, feelings and behaviors that got us into trouble in the first place. When we keep dragging out the same old solutions, our problems can actually get worse with each attempt to solve them, not better.

Of course, looking back isn't fun. And it does take time. Maybe not years, maybe not even months, but it takes a while.

Looking back also can be painful. There are things in all our pasts about which we feel bruised, battered, traumatized, guilty, ashamed, or disillusioned. Nobody likes such feelings. And it is not a particularly pleasant prospect when we consider intentionally recalling the experiences and thoughts that lie behind such feelings.

And looking back is certainly hard work. We aren't just remembering for remembering's sake, we are trying to understand and learn from these memories. Often, such understanding and learning from our past requires that we change the way we think in present about ourselves, other people, and the world around us. That's not the sort of change that is easy to make.

Whether we consult a psychotherapist or not, however, the reality is we are not going to really solve any problem unless we take the time, endure the pain, and do the hard work involved in looking back before we try to look - and live - forward.

And when we do go through such a process, we can often develop new solutions to our old problems which are a lot more likely to actually solve them.

In other words (to quote my grandfather "Skinny" Branson: "If you don't know how you got here, you're likely to get here again."

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."