Be direct when asking boyfriend about marriage

Q. What is the best way to ask your boyfriend if he is ready for marriage, or an idea of when it will happen? I have been dating my boyfriend over eight years. When we have spoken about this topic (periodically, most recently six months to a year ago), I leave the conversation feeling like I am not getting the direct answers I need.

It seems like engagement and marriage are not a high priority for him right now while they are for me, and this leaves me feeling insecure. I am uncertain of what to do if he does not reciprocate the feeling to be engaged soon.

A. The best way to ask is to ask! You've been together eight years; if you can't initiate and sustain a frank conversation at this point, then you're not ready for marriage yourself, either to him or at all.

Sometimes the best way to get your answer, though, isn't to ask, but instead to listen to the answer you've already been given. "It seems like engagement and marriage are not a high priority for him right now": Why is the answer not good enough? Because you don't like it and want a different one? Because you're afraid to act on it in case something has changed since your last conversation?

There's a plain and direct way available to you, though, for regaining control of your future: "It seems like engagement and marriage are not a high priority for you right now. Am I right about that?"

Any response short of his taking concrete steps toward marriage means, yes, you're right about his not wanting to marry you. As painful as that would be, that would free you to end a relationship that doesn't serve your needs, which is the first step toward building a new life that does.

Q. My sister-in-law and I had a huge fight this week. She has dropped off at least 15 trash bags filled with used clothes for my one baby. Two weeks ago, she unexpectedly dropped off another bunch of trash bags.

I suppose my face betrayed me because she said, "You know, I put a lot of effort into this and you just don't seem grateful." I said, "I am, but it's all just too much. I'm overwhelmed." She said, "Well, it's all or nothing." I said, "I guess I have to go with nothing."

She stomped off and is now telling the family I am "too good" for her children's nice clothes. Can one ever look a gift horse in the mouth?

A. Your sister-in-law jumped the shark, easy call. Smearing you to the whole family because you made the wrong face - wow. Now, would it have been better for you to have worn your grateful face? Sure. But when you said you were overwhelmed, that was a reasonable way of explaining why you looked stricken.

Had you put up any further resistance at that point, then she would have had a legitimate complaint. Even then, she wouldn't have had any standing to complain to anybody but you. That's where her behavior becomes egregious.

Unfortunately, there's little you can do about that except to trust that the family will recognize badmouthers indict themselves more than they do others. Don't even defend yourself except to say, "I'm sorry she sees it that way. I'm grateful for the clothes I've received." High road all the way.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.