Dann's naughty, nutty alternatives to traditional Santa movies
Really bad Santas
Call them alt.Santa movies.
You know, subversive motion pictures that put jolly old St. Nick and holiday movies in a really bad, if not homicidal light?
The most infamous of the bunch has to be “Silent Night, Deadly Night,” a 1984 tale of a little boy who witnesses a man in a Santa suit kill his mom and dad. He grows up to be a serial killer Santa. (My peers Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel went a little nutty over this release, condemning it on their TV show, with Siskel reading the names of cast and crew members to publicly shame them for working on it.)
But some interesting and even well-made alt.Santa movies can be seen this holiday season. Here are six titles to take a chance on:
“Black Christmas” (1974) - Before he directed the holiday classic “A Christmas Story,” Bob Clark directed this disturbingly frightful mad slasher opus way before John Carpenter's “Halloween” and Sean Cunningham's “Friday the 13th” turned the genre into a gold mine.
Olivia Hussey, Keir Dullea, Margot Kidder, Andrea Martin and John Saxon star in a tale of sorority sisters stalked and murdered during Christmas break by a deranged lunatic hiding behind doors so we can only see his pulsating eyeball through the doorjam crack. The story was inspired by an actual Canadian murder case and an urban legend. Eeek!
“Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale” (2010) - Weird stuff happens in Finland when American excavators discover the real Santa Claus imprisoned in a chunk of ice deep below the Arctic. When he thaws out, this murderous St. Nick doesn't give a flying reindeer about that naughty or nice stuff. Good thing local kids carry their own firearms for when they confront hordes of naked, homicidal elves.
“Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” (1964) - It's the “Plan 9 From Outer Space” of Santa movies! Martians kidnap jolly old St. Nick (John Call) and two Earth kids, then whisk them off to the angry red planet, no doubt red with embarrassment for hosting this cheesy, badly acted, terribly produced and laughably written project, which introduced the world to future movie sexpot Pia Zadora at the age of 10.
“The Santa Clause” (1994) - Tim Allen accidentally kills Santa on Christmas Eve. What's a guy to do? Allen inherits Santa's identity (and girth) and takes the red one's place by delivering toys with the help of his own son. A bizarre premise gives way to Allen's charm in a comedy that spawned the far inferior sequels “Santa Clause 2: The Mrs. Clause” and “Santa Clause: The Escape Clause.”
And he never stood trial for manslaughter, either.
“Rise of the Guardians” (2010) - This animated fantasy envisions Alec Baldwin's Santa Claus as the leader of a holiday version of the Avengers. He's a superhero called upon to battle the forces of darkness, mainly the evil and aptly named Pitch. This Santa goes full Rambo as he joins Tooth Fairy, Jack Frost and the Easter Bunny to catch Pitch.
“One Magic Christmas” (1985) - Santa Claus (Jan Rubes) strong-arms a distraught mother (Mary Steenburgen) into believing in Christmas by drowning her family in a horrible accident. Apparently, Santa plays hardball when it comes to women who wish they had never been born. An ill-conceived homage to Frank Capra's classic “It's a Wonderful Life” starring Harry Dean Stanton as the angel.
Happy holidays!
'Don't Think' - just go
The After Hours Film Society presents writer/director/actor Mike Birbiglia's “Don't Think Twice,” a story of friendship, aspiration and the pain and promise of change, at 7:30 p.m. Monday, Dec. 19, at the Ogden 6 Theatre, 1227 E. Ogden Ave., Naperville. Tickets cost $10 ($6 for members). Go to afterhoursfilmsociety.com.
8 screens spring up
Just in time for “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story,” the new 8-screen Cinemark Spring Hill Mall and XD Theatre opens for business with Luxury Lounger electric recliners, enhanced sound systems and full digital presentation. The theater, at Spring Hill Mall, which is in both Carpentersville and West Dundee, also features a Cinemark XD (extra digital) auditorium and Cinema Café.
Wait! There's more, such as swag bag giveaways for the first 50 people who purchase tickets at the theater each day through Dec. 18. (First-come, first-served.) Go to cinemark.com/cinemark-spring-hill-mall for details.
Daily Herald film critic Dann Gire's column runs Friday in Time out!