How to handle emotions before they take control

The more neuroscience learns about our brains, the more apparent it becomes that our emotions play a huge role in how the brain works.

The parts of the brain that most have to do with what we feel are so wired into the rest of us that they literally can override our more rational thinking and almost dictate what we say and do.

I say "almost" because it is also clear from the field of psychotherapy that we can learn to deal with feelings in such a way that they have their rightful place in our lives but don't dictate how we live. It takes time and patient practice, but it can be done.

The first step in a healthy approach to our emotions is giving ourselves a bit of a timeout when we are in emotion-laden situations. Whether our emotions arise out of our own internal thinking or in response to something going on around us, when we get that first tickle of feeling, it is a good idea to stop for a moment and let ourselves be aware that something is percolating.

This pause doesn't need to occupy too much time, it can be a matter of a moment or two. It just gives us a chance to slow things down a bit.

Second, we want to ask ourselves "what might I be feeling in this situation?" It is important here to have a good emotional vocabulary so we can put a word, or words, to our internal experience: Are we feeling sad, or irritated, or anxious, or pleased, or what?

We also want to be aware that there can be different levels of emotions. For example, when we might first label our feelings as anxiety or frustration or anger, at a deeper level we might be feeling fearful or hurt.

Different theoretical models suggest different numbers of basic emotions. What is important here is that we learn to come up with accurate labels for what we are experiencing and that we take the time to probe a bit deeper than we might ordinarily.

Third, we need to accept the reality of our feelings rather than denying or fighting them. Emotions are, by definition, (and brain functioning) nonrational. Not irrational, but nonrational. Our feelings always make sense (i.e. there is a good reason behind them), but they don't always fit with a rational understanding of the world around us.

The most experienced and successful public speaker in the world can still feel a bit anxious before a speech even though there is no rational reason for it. There are, however, always perfectly understandable nonrational reasons for such anxiety.

Denying or fighting our feelings, ironically, often leaves us stuck with them. The more we insist we don't feel a certain way, or don't want to feel a certain way, the more power these emotions have to dictate our mood and behavior. A bit of stage fright, when not acknowledged, can become a lot of stage fright and sabotage our ability to do what we otherwise can do easily.

Fourth, we need to ask ourselves about the origins of our feelings. It is not always necessary that we know where our feelings come from to deal with them, but it does help us learn to become less emotionally reactive.

If we recognize that our public speaking anxiety comes from an embarrassing experience in third grade, and we then remind ourselves of all the successful speeches we've given since then, it helps us to better put our feelings in their proper place.

The fifth step involves asking ourselves how to constructively, productively and positively deal with our feelings in the here and now. Do we express them? If so, when and in what way?

For instance, if we are irritated with someone for borrowing something of ours, and realize that most of this irritation has to do with emotional memories from childhood of our younger sibs borrowing, losing or breaking our stuff, we don't necessarily need to share this, but we sure do need to be aware of it.

Actually, this happened to me not too long ago and I found sharing this with the borrower (my teenage son) helped us to better understand each other. I did, however, make sure I first settled down, understood what was going on, and didn't just take out my irritation on him.

Sixth, if our feelings are unpleasant or unproductive, we want to give ourselves a chance to feel differently. Believe it or not, we often can do this by changing our thinking or changing our behaving. For example, if we feel a bit lonely, we can alter these feelings by simply thinking about all the people we feel connected to.

We can even write the names of these people down if it gets too hard to focus on them in our heads. Or we can give a friend a call or, if we feel short of friends, go out and put ourselves with other people who might become friends.

Obviously some behavior changes take longer to put in place than others, but even taking a first step makes a difference.

This process can be helpful even when our feelings wind up being positive. The more we can identify our feelings and where they come from, the more likely we are to re-create the experience. If I know what makes me happy, I have a better chance of thinking or behaving in ways that increase the amount of time I feel that way.

Needless to say, when we are dealing with more negative or uncomfortable feelings it is essential that we get a handle on them and not let them take control.

Bottom line: We can either deal with our feelings, or they will deal with us.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."