How to learn from criticism

Editor's note: This column is the first in a two-part series.

"I don't mean to be critical, but …"

"I'm only telling you this for you own good …"

"Look, I hate to bring this up …"

We all know what comes next. We're about to take it on the chin. Somebody - friend, relative, employer, maybe even a complete stranger - is going to let us know all about some mistake we've made, some fault we have, or something they just don't like about us.

They may call it "constructive criticism." It usually seems like we get more "destructed" than "constructed," though. All in all, nobody likes criticism.

There are a number of ways we learn to deal with the criticism that inevitably comes our way. Many of us just try to avoid it. We learn to detect approaching criticism and take evasive action before we get shot down. We find other things we suddenly need to do, or change the subject, or just don't hear. Anything to avoid being criticized.

Some of us take another tactic. We nod our head in solemn acceptance of the criticism leveled at us, and then totally ignore it. We figure that if we pretend to take the criticism seriously, things will cool off, and then everything can be forgotten.

I call a third common tactic "silent suffering." We passively listen to critical comments and probably even apologize for our failings. Deep inside, we're totally crushed. We feel unwanted, unloved and worthless. But we keep it all to ourselves. We smile weakly, hiding our tears.

A related tactic is "not-so-silent suffering." We are unable to hide the pain and rejection we feel at being criticized. Dejected, downcast, tearful, we are embraced by our display of emotions.

Tactic five I call the "pre-emptive first strike." Early in the conversation, seeing criticism coming, we get in the first blow by unloading a criticism or two of our own. We may have saved an incident from weeks or months back and now pull it out as ammunition. The idea is to get our potential critic so defensive that he or she never gets a chance to criticize us.

Finally, we have to include the "counter attack" as part of our repertoire of anti-criticism defenses. We often use this in tandem with other tactics listed above. The idea is to make our critics pay such a price for criticizing us that they soon learn it just isn't worth it.

We may refuse to speak to them for days, be supercritical of their faults and shortcomings, or act so miserable they can't stand to be around us.

There is not much chance for anything constructive to come out of defenses like these. And though I don't enjoy criticism any more than the next person, I do think there is a way we can deal with criticism that is more constructive than the ways I've mentioned so far.

First, we need to accept that criticism usually hurts - a little or a lot. That hurt is probably behind our usual response of avoiding, ignoring, suffering or attacking.

We want to short circuit these automatic responses. And we do that by admitting to ourselves that we do indeed hurt. This "self-confession" will free us to respond in a new way.

Next, we need to work on hearing what is really being said. All of us have faults and make mistakes. We can all stand to do a little changing for the better. But unless somebody tells us what we're doing wrong, we may never know.

So, when another person starts with the infamous "I'm only saying this for your own good …," there may really be some good there for us. We should want to listen closely, perhaps feeding back to our critic what we hear them saying to us. If we can do this without letting our hurt get in the way, we may find out something about ourselves we didn't know.

Just as importantly, we want to figure out how we can make amends or improve ourselves. Perhaps the best person to ask is the person criticizing us.

"How could I have done it differently?" "Help me understand how I need to change." These questions are a risky but important step toward using criticism constructively. Again, we need to listen with an open mind.

Admitting that criticism hurts, short-circuiting our normally destructive responses to it, listening closely, and asking for advice are all ways we can respond to criticism constructively. Let me add a word of warning, though.

Some people are so caught up in their own hurt that they constantly lash out in pain at those around them. Others are so down on themselves that the only way they can temporarily feel good is to pull everybody else down as well.

Criticism from these people is intended to be destructive. It has very little to do with who we are or what we do. These people's criticism is more about their own mistakes and faults than ours. Deep down, they are very sad and lonely people.

Always take these people seriously, but not always their criticism. Hear past their attack upon you to their own underlying hurt. That is the real message they are sending. If you can encourage them to talk about what is actually bothering them, you will find it probably has little to do with you.

Try some of these ideas for dealing with criticism. I don't expect any of us will ever really enjoy being criticized. But we can see it as a way to become aware of our mistakes and faults, and as a way to change for the better. This sort of constructively used criticism can be valuable to all of us.

Next week we look at being constructive critics.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."