Good communication in families takes trust, practice

Editor's note: Ken Potts is taking some time off. In his absence, we are republishing a series of columns that first ran in 2003. This column is the fifth of 10 exploring the topic of healthy families.

Some families work, and work well. We've been talking about why. Last week we looked at time and how it is a critical element in building a healthy family. This week we'll take a look at communication.

We all communicate, whether we mean to or not. We communicate with words, tone of voice, facial expressions, body language and in many other ways. We cannot not communicate.

There are two basic types of communication. "Destructive" communication drives us apart. It destroys the intimacy in our relationships. "Constructive" communication brings us closer together. It builds intimacy. Let's take a closer look, then, at constructive communication.

Communication that builds intimacy is based on trust. We have to trust that we and another person, in this case our spouse or child, are able to communicate constructively. Just as important, we need to trust that they are willing to try such communicating. If we don't trust that we are all both able and willing, chances are we won't risk attempting to communicate constructively.

Constructive communication is always esteem-building. When we are communicating well, we both feel better about ourselves and about each other. If we come away from a conversation feeling discounted or belittled, or if we suspect we discounted or belittled our spouse or child, then we are not communicating constructively.

Good communication involves talking and, equally important, listening. We all need to be heard, and to hear. Anytime we suspect our partner does not know what we mean, anytime we cannot tell our partner what we think they mean, we have failed to communicate well.

Such communication must be seen as a skill. As with any skill, there are specific techniques we need to master and such mastery takes practice. These skills include self-awareness (knowing what we think, feel, want), sharing this self-awareness clearly and concisely, checking out with our partners our understanding of what they are trying to communicate, a sense of appropriate tone, topic, timing, and more.

Most importantly, we have to be willing to work hard at constructive communication. At first this will involve a good bit of accepting others' and our own clumsy, insensitive and inadequate attempts at such communicating.

Even when we have learned to communicate well, we will still have our failures. It is crucial that we always acknowledge our mistakes, discuss them and learn from them. Then we try again. That's the only way we can do it.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by just how much goes into healthy family communication, that's OK. It can be overwhelming if we set out to do it all on our own.

Fortunately, there are groups and classes designed to teach such communication to couples and families. Contact your local mental health center, community college or other resource for family life education. They probably offer, or can direct you to, such a group.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."