Imrem: Chicago Bulls not exactly an easy sell
The NBA's free-agency process begins Friday and presumably the Bulls will be involved to some degree.
You never know, however, considering that over the years they have had more luck peddling expensive seats in the United Center than purchasing expensive blue chippers on the open market.
Why is that?
Well, imagine that you're 6-feet-9, 240 pounds and can drive the lane like LeBron James, shoot 3-pointers like Steph Curry and score from anywhere on the court like Kevin Durant.
You're a total package and an unrestricted free agent and the Bulls call your agent to request a meeting. You agree to visit Chicago because you love Garrett's popcorn.
The first thing you're looking for in an organization is a compelling winner - a Pat Riley, Gregg Popovich or King James - to make you believe you can win a championship here.
"Nice to meet you," you say. "Who are you again?"
"Gar Forman," the Bulls' general manager says.
"Oh," you say. "And who are you?"
"John Paxson," the Bulls' vice president of basketball says. "You might have heard that I hit the shot that clinched the 1993 NBA title."
"When? 1993? All I was dribbling back then was Gerber's down my chin," you say. "What have you won lately?"
"Uh," Paxson mumbles, "we don't have to get into that right now."
"Didn't a Mr. Reinsdorf used to own this team?" you ask.
"Jerry still does," GarPax say, bowing in the direction of the most recent Reinsdorf sighting.
"Really?" you say. "How come no one ever sees him anymore?"
"Jerry is a busy man," GarPax say.
"Back in the day," you wonder out loud, "didn't he side with some guy named Jerry Krause over Michael Jordan and run Scottie Pippen and Phil Jackson out of town and break up the Bulls dynasty?"
"That's a false perception," GarPax say, "The situation was complicated. We'll explain it to you later. Let's move on and discuss what we can do for you now."
"First of all," you say, "you can get me more popcorn."
"Heck," GarPax say. "We'll throw in a Garrett's outlet if you decide to play for us."
OK, so the Bulls don't have any compelling characters to attract free agents, but they do have the magnificent city of Chicago.
"I keep reading about all the murders here," you say. "I plan to bring my wife and girlfriend with me and all of our kids and it doesn't sound like a place to raise a couple families."
"Trust me," GarPax say, always in search of someone to trust them, "you won't be anywhere near the violence. We'll pay you so well that you can live in the fanciest part of town, afford your own security force, buy a bulletproof Hummer and send your kids to schools with the best metal detectors."
No wonder people are fleeing the city, you think, but what about the suburbs?
"No, Illinois hasn't passed a budget yet," GarPax concede, "but I guarantee we'll have one by the time your multiyear contract runs out."
"Speaking of running out," you say, "I think I better do that right now … and as fast as possible."
"Wait," GarPax say, "you didn't finish your popcorn."
"Thanks," you say. "but I've had my fill of everything here."
No wonder the Bulls have as much chance to land high-profile free agents as I have of growing to 6-9 and 240 pounds.
mimrem@dailyherald.com