Parents can teach children it's OK to be imperfect
There are few things I enjoy as much as being a father. There are also few things I find as challenging as being a father. This was true when our children were young and living with us; it is true now even though they are all adults and on their own.
It is a head-to-toe joy for me to be part of my children's lives, to share with them my love, to encourage and support them, to help them discover the best in themselves and in the world around them. As I give my love to them, I often receive more than I give. As they explore their gifts and talents and develop their interests and skills, I am surprised and excited with them. As they reach out to others with compassion and caring, as they live out values that I, too, affirm, I am touched and proud. As they encounter the pleasures of simply being alive - the unexpected rainbow, the warmth of a fire on a cold winter night, the chance encounter with a long-lost friend - I celebrate life with them.
This joy in being a father, however, comes with a price tag. I know I too easily and too often fall short in fulfilling my role as a parent. As I watch my children deal with life's disappointments and failures, I am often paralyzed between wanting to rescue them, yet not wanting to intrude on their lives. I want to let them learn from their mistakes. Let's face it, most of life's learning comes through such experiences. I search for the right words of comfort, wisdom and encouragement, but too often cannot find them. I can be tired, self-absorbed, distracted and not available to them as a father ought to be, frequently failing to share with them in the simple pleasures of life because of this. And I am very aware of how they pay a price for my own failings as a person and parent.
Ultimately, I do not see any solution to this dilemma. Unless I somehow become a perfect parent (which is highly unlikely), I don't see any way I can continue to be a part of my adult children's lives without inevitably coming up against my own shortcomings.
Which brings me to Father's Day. I never fail to be touched by my adult children and grandchildren's efforts to share with me their love and appreciation. Whether it's the hand-drawn card or the carefully selected shirt or a simple gift card, I am so grateful for their acknowledgment of my place in their lives.
At the same time, I find myself wanting to humbly confess to them my shortcomings and failings as their father, and to pledge to them that I will somehow find a way to do a better job in the years to come. When I do this, however, I'm not really telling them anything they don't already know (and which they likely already have pointed out to me). And, ultimately, I know I have received their forgiveness even before I have offered my apology.
Perhaps, then, Father's Day is both a time for children to acknowledge and honor the important role fathers play in their lives, and for fathers to acknowledge and apologize for the times we have failed to adequately fill this role. When we Dads do so, we teach our children a more important lesson about being human and about being a parent. And as many of them will likely be parents themselves one day, this likely will be a very important lesson for them to learn.
• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."