Mothers share unique bond with their children

One of the most powerful scenes in any movie I've ever watched takes place early in "Saving Private Ryan."

I'm not referring to the graphic depiction of troops landing on the beaches of Normandy. I'm talking about the scene in which Private Ryan's mother is told of the combat deaths of three of her four sons.

There is something in the way the actress communicates the devastating impact of this news - the way her back straightens when she sees the car bringing the bearer of the news enter the long drive to her farmhouse, the way she almost melts into the floor of her home's front porch as she hears of her losses - that still haunts me today.

As I've thought a bit about Mother's Day, and especially about what makes the role of mother so distinct from any other, I keep coming back to that scene. It reminds me that there is a bond - an inexplicable, even mysterious bond - that exists between mothers and their children.

This bond seems to be present almost from conception. It is radically different, I am convinced, from that found between fathers and their children. And though I suspect that to some degree it has to do with biology, there is also something both deeply emotional and profoundly spiritual in its makeup that defies easy explanation.

Whatever its roots, I think this bond is incredibly powerful. Many mothers have told me that when they look at their children, they find themselves experiencing the full emotional and spiritual impact of a lifetime of connection. I have had a number of older women describe to me how they have looked at adult children who are well into their 30s or 40s, who have children of their own, and simultaneously "seen" these children as they grew from infancy to adolescence.

I am not idealizing mothers here. I have spent a number of years working in child welfare, often with mothers whose ability to bond with their children never developed, perhaps never could develop. And their children suffered horribly from these mothers' maternal disability. Many of these children continue to suffer long into adulthood.

I also have spent decades counseling with individuals and families and know how that maternal bond, when too tight, can become a trap that prevents children from becoming adults or, at the least, stunts their growth toward being independent individuals.

And I have seen how, when that bond is expressed inconsistently or intermittently, it can leave children confused, anxious and dependent.

With all that, though, and at a time when mothers are still sending sons and daughters into harm's way, I want to suggest we take a special moment this Mother's Day to express our awareness of the unique and lifelong bond that exists between a mother and child.

And, if you know of mothers whose children are serving in the military, foreign service, or another vocation that places them in special danger at this time, take a moment to tell them that you understand how hard it is on them, and that you will keep them in your prayers.

God bless mothers.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."