Thinking outside the box, NFL draft style

Here are some storylines to follow during the NFL draft that begins Thursday night in downtown Chicago:

• Not long ago I was at an age where everything about the draft was exciting, from the first overall pick to every Bears pick to the Mr. Irrelevant final overall pick.

As I grew older, my interest waned to only skill-position players and really, really, really fat linemen.

Now, sorry, draftniks, it's quarterbacks or bust.

That doesn't mean the Chicago Bears should draft one in the first round. It just means that, OK, they should draft one. You know, just for the fun of it.

Not even a running back is inspiring anymore. No, not even Ohio State running back Ezekiel Elliott, who has been mentioned in the same breathless breath as Adrian Peterson.

(By the way, how many Super Bowls has Peterson won?)

Thank goodness Elliott isn't being mentioned in the same breath as Walter Payton, whom the Bears drafted when runners were royalty.

Now it's a quarterback in the first round or wake me later.

Which quarterback? Doesn't matter. If Bears general manager Ryan Pace is smart enough to draft one, he's smart enough to make it the right one.

So, you might ask, what about current Bears quarterback Jay Cutler? Not to answer a question with a question, but so what about Jay Cutler?

Either add a starter to replace Cutler, or a backup to intern under him, or a luxury QB for no particular reason.

If he's a really, really, really fat quarterback, all the better.

• Quarterbacks aside, players should be drafted based only on their names.

This isn't a great year in this category, but here's a mock draft of superstar names, each accompanied by a scouting report:

1. Rams: Eli Apple, cornerback, Ohio State (if he married Apple Paltrow-Martin she'd be Apple Apple).

2. Eagles: Kentrell Brothers, linebacker, Missouri (best Brothers since the Karamazovs).

3. Chargers: Leonte Caroo, wide receiver, Rutgers (they aren't booing they're going "Caroooo … Caroooo … ").

4. Cowboys: Kolby Listenbee, wide receiver, TCU (his quarterback was Stevie Spellingbee?)

5. Jaguars: Will Monday, punter, Duke (better than Will Not Sunday).

6. Ravens: Cassanova McKinzy, linebacker, Auburn (love this guy).

7. 49ers: Scooby Wright III, linebacker, Arizona (any Scooby will do).

8. Browns: Cody Whitehair, guard, Kansas State (beat Brody Graybeard's record time in the shuttle).

9. Buccaneers: Geronimo Allison, wide receiver, Illinois (another beloved Illini chief departs).

10. Giants: Temarrick Hemingway, tight end, South Carolina State (plays the write way).

Let's expand the list one slot to the best name of all.

11. Bears: Halapoulivaati Vaitai, offensive tackle, TCU (hey, Jeff Joniak wrestle with that baby awhile).

• Wouldn't it be nice to hear the truth just once?

"We have no idea who this guy is," a general manager would say. "One of those draft magazines rated him highly so we took him.

"He reportedly bends well at the ankles, turns his hips in multiple directions and has a high motor expected back from the shop before minicamp.

"Oh, and we're told that his mother's name is Bruno and his father has huge hands."

All the better if he's a really, really, really fat quarterback with a cool name.

mimrem@dailyherald.com