Imrem: Illinois college hoops politically incorrect
A secret town hall meeting was conducted Sunday in advance of Tuesday's primary election in Illinois.
Candidates from both parties accepted invitations to address the state's most pressing problem.
Yes, we're talking about another men's basketball season in which the NCAA Tournament selection committee ignored the state of Illinois.
Lady and gentlemen, start your engines.
Donald Trump: Come on, I don't have to tell you that when I'm president the exodus of great high school players from your state will stop.
I'll do what I do best, build walls, this time along Illinois' borders with Connecticut, Wisconsin, Kentucky, Indiana, North Carolina, Iowa, Pennsylvania, Kansas and Panama.
And, of course, Mexico will pay for it.
(FACT CHECK: False and true. Mexican officials deny any intention to pay for any wall, but Mexican drug kingpin El Chapo pledged $100 billion pesos in exchange for three hots and a cot in Joliet.)
Ted Cruz: Let me be clear, the more significant issue is that this spring's Stanley Cup playoffs are likely to be contested without a single team from my native Canada, eh.
Folks up there have so little to look forward to - six weeks of warm weather every year, curling in the Olympics every four years and the Calgary Stampede featuring as much bull as a political debate.
Compare that to Illinois where you have the chance to some day have an NFL team and the possibility of a Cubs championship once a century.
(FACT CHECK: False. Canada has only five weeks of warm weather every year.)
Bernie Sanders: As you know, in my administration youngsters won't have to abuse their bodies playing basketball. They'll attend college for free in my one-size-fits-all system of higher education.
However, if they do choose to play basketball, my executive order will expand the NCAA Tournament to include every school in every state.
(Fact check: Sorry, there are no facts to check here.)
Marco Rubio: As we all know, Barack Obama's policies are responsible for the NCAA locking Illinois out of what it dares to call a "national" tournament.
Every year the president handicaps the field for ESPN and not once has he tried to sneak in a school from what he claims to be his home state.
I promise that when I am elected president, I will propose legislation mandating that an Illinois school, perhaps Waukegan Barber College or Carbondale Institute of Bowling, receive a bid.
(FACT CHECK: True. Waukegan and Carbondale are in Illinois.)
John Kasich: I'm the only candidate who feels your pain as an outsider who is ignored and never allowed to speak … wait, who turned off this mike … can you hear me … ?
(FACT CHECK: False. Gov. Kasich was asked at least one question during at least one GOP debate.)
Hillary Clinton: Being back in my home state inspires memories of growing up in Park Ridge during the glory days when Northwestern qualified for the NCAA basketball tournament every year.
It's sad to see the state of the sport in Illinois now, though I'm confident that Lovie Smith will elevate the University of Illinois basketball program back to where it belongs.
(FACT CHECK: Northwestern … uh … Lovie Smith … uh … oh, forget it.)
That's all the news from our town hall meeting, and hopefully you now are better informed to vote in the Illinois primary on Tuesday.
mimrem@dailyherald.com