Stand up to Grandma for your kids' sake

Q. I'm a wife and mom of two elementary-age boys. My mom lives near us and is a hard person to be around. She is negative, especially to my kids, and complains constantly.

I want to have a relationship with her that isn't based on negativity but I don't know how. We invited her to an event last night with my family, and she made snarky comments about what my kids were wearing and snapped at them, among other things. It ruined a special evening for me.

I feel guilty that I don't enjoy the time we have with her since she is getting older. People tell me how lucky I am to have my parents close by, but my tolerance for the negativity is getting lower.

How can I find some joy in this relationship and also help foster a good relationship with my kids and their grandmother?

S.

A. It ruined your special evening? How do you think your kids felt under Grandma's attacks?

I understand your concerns because negativity's hard to manage. Grandparents aren't around forever, check, but I am mystified by your priorities.

No. 1 has to be your children's emotional health, and you barely graze it here as a last-line "also," and only about their relationship with their grandma. What about their self-worth after having such nastiness routinely directed at them at such an impressionable time?

How you feel matters, but it's a distant second.

And how a typical grandparent scenario is supposed to play out isn't even on the radar screen of what matters.

So here's a clippable list of suggested priorities with a relentlessly negative grandparent:

1. How your kids feel.

2.

3. How you feel.

4. How the grandparent deserves to be treated.

One practical application, for example, is that when she says something nasty about what your kids are wearing, you say, calmly, "What an unkind thing to say to children. You owe them an apology." And when she refuses, "That's your prerogative and mine is to end this outing. Kids, stay with Dad, I'm taking Grandma home."

That tells your boys that they deserve civil treatment and that you have their backs when they don't get it. I can't think of a more important show of parental love.

And, it sends Mom the message that if she wants to see your kids, she either leaves her negativity at home or fixes its damage on the spot.

Perhaps she's not capable of receiving that message, but, "Mom, this visit is over" is clear enough.

If you can't even wrap your mind around addressing your mother - and chances are she ill-equipped you to stand up to her, that's what bullies generally do to their kids - then I suggest you begin your journey through this problem in the office of a skilled family therapist. Your kids' pediatrician is a good place to ask for some names.

Perhaps this explains your priorities: Assuming Mom didn't look out for you, how would you learn to look out for your kids? If that's the case, then learning now to stand up for them might be a profoundly therapeutic act not just for them, but for you.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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