Truth, pared down, can help kids handle family schism

Q. My husband and I (and as a result, our two young children) are currently estranged from his parents after years of hostility came to a head this fall. My mother-in-law's behavior was the crux of the issue, and my husband attempted to work through it until giving up.

Our children are still very young, with one of them old enough to understand that her grandparents used to be present, but now they're not. How do I explain why they're not seeing their grandparents without unfairly biasing the children against them?

A. If they're being hostile, then the bias wouldn't be unfair.

But I take your point - you want to prop your kids' minds open to accepting their grandparents back into their lives should the adults reconcile.

Your children's ages are to everyone's advantage in that respect, because you don't have to explain much - or anything, to start. Just respond when you're asked: "Gram and Gramps won't be here this time, I'm sorry." That might be all there is to it, even - kids let you know when they're ready for more by asking you for more.

If one of your children does ask why, then you can say: "The adults have some things to work out before we all get together again."

Even if your mother-in-law's hostility extended to or was focused on your children, take care not to say anything a little person might interpret as "It's our fault Grams can't come." Even words carefully chosen by adults to prevent this can sound very different when filtered through a child's mind and worldview; instead of, "Grams was unkind to you," stick with, "Grams was unkind."

Again - this is only if your child's curiosity warrants taking your explanation that far. A guide for talking to young kids is, don't lie, don't ignore, don't dump everything in their laps. Stay within those three walls by heeding their curiosity and releasing small pieces of truth, followed by a pause to allow your child to respond. When the questions stop, that's your signal that you've said enough.

Q. I would bury a body for my friend but I cannot host her in my home anymore - she's just too high-maintenance and a serious imposition every time she and her boyfriend stay over.

How can I kindly refuse her when she next asks to visit, without lying or torpedoing our friendship?

A. If you said it to me the way you did here, I'd be grateful. Not only is it funny, but it's also, more important, plainly sincere about the value you place on the friendship - even while admitting you can't stand being under the same roof with me for long. (Which, if I'm honest with myself about our lifestyle differences, is probably mutual.)

Those two elements would bring me on board with the idea of booking a hotel for the greater good of us all.

The question is, are you and she good enough friends for this? Her need for constant maintenance could derive from a baseline fragility that also results in thin skin.

While truth-telling might seem like an absolute business, it is in fact always a matter of weighing potential consequences to find the sweet spot between too much and too little. You want to be honest enough to satisfy and benefit both of you, without being a jerk. And, just to make it interesting, "jerk" is in the eye of the beholder.

So take what you know about her and decide how much truth a good friend would tell her. If she's easygoing about her frailties, then tell her exactly as you say it here. If she's too easily bruised for that, then find something nonjudgmental - but also true - to blame: "I'm too frazzled to host anyone right now," or, "I'll help you find a hotel, because last time our sleep schedules were so different that I was messed up for over a week."

Another possibility, of course, is that you tinker with truthy combinations until you realize there's no way to say this that won't hurt the friendship, and you decide hosting her is your friendship's version of body disposal. As I said, how to tell someone the truth is really just a calculation of which consequences you're ready to bear.

Q. I've developed feelings for a guy friend who says he isn't in the right place in life to be in a romantic relationship. Aside from the romantic feelings, I have a lot of fun hanging out with him. Do you think it's wrong to keep doing so?

A. Wrong, no. There are just some obvious risks to being with someone who wants less of you than you want of him.

If the fun outweighs the risk of nurturing false hopes, then keep hanging out with him. If you come to a point where the fun of it isn't enough to justify the bruised feelings, then you just change your "yes" to "no, thanks."

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.