Imrem: Billion bucks doesn't go as far as it used to in sports

Even in the world of sports, only one ball matters today.

It isn't a football, basketball, baseball, softball, volleyball, bocce ball, Wiffle ball, cannonball, beach ball or gumball.

A year later, it isn't even a deflated ball.

Come on now, you know what it is.

Powerball!

What's Wednesday night's drawing worth? Something like $1.5 billion? Maybe more?

Wealthy athletes — and you commoners, too, — are hereby informed that I already have the winning Powerball ticket.

You can take that to the bank … or at least I can.

Wednesday night it'll be time to start fulfilling my dream of winning a big Lottery prize and buying a significant slice of sports.

Specifically, that would be one of Chicago's five major professional teams.

My plan is to take the Powerball prize in one lump sum. Afterward, all sorts of taxes will be extracted to balance the state and federal budgets.

Finally, I'll be down to something like $500 million.

Doesn't have the same ring as a $1.5 billion but still ain't too shabby, is it?

Even the highest-paid player in baseball — where money has become cheap — must work a few weeks to receive that kind of paycheck.

Not even Tom Brady earns a half-billion bucks in one night for winning the Super Bowl. The same goes for premier soccer player Lionel Messi for winning the World Cup.

When someone like Jason Heyward signs for $184 million, it's said that he won the lottery. But it can't be said that he won this Powerball jackpot.

Since I already have won, the only suspense is what I'll buy on Day 1 besides the obvious: Sweaters to replace the suit I'll never have to wear again and a George Foreman Grill.

On Day 2 I'll get down to the business of purchasing the Bears, Cubs, Bulls, Blackhawks or White Sox.

When I started at this newspaper, all of those teams could be had for far less than Wednesday night's Powerball prize.

Uh-oh, though, now the lump-sum, after-tax $500 million wouldn't buy one of them.

Athletic inflation being what it is, even the whole $1.5 billion would barely cover the tab to bribe FIFA or pay Vontaze Burfict's fines.

Maybe I could settle for purchasing a college athletic program like Phil Knight has at Oregon and T. Boone Pickens has at Oklahoma State.

No, I would need to be a multibillionaire like them to afford the players it would take to win a national championship in football or basketball.

College sports is one of those “if a booster needs to ask what it costs, he can't afford it” deals.

My goodness, it's clear now that a billion bucks sure doesn't go as far as it used to in sports.

I suppose I could just continue spending whatever cash I have on wine, women and song. (Speaking of which, what's an Adele — her, not her latest hit album — go for?)

Well, there are worse causes than rescuing all my loved ones who are sleeping in cardboard boxes under viaducts.

Charity? OK, yeah, if you insist, some Powerball money could go toward saving whales and feeding the hungry.

First, though, let me know what the Kane County Cougars would cost.

mimrem@dailyherald.com