Tips for dealing with anxiety in new social situations
"Mom, I didn't think I was nervous, but I'm shaking!"
A friend was dropping off her daughter at her first day of seventh grade. The 12-year-old seemed calm and collected on the outside, but, apparently, was more than a bit anxious.
It wasn't so much the academic challenge. When my friend's daughter puts her mind to it, she is a good student. Her anxiety had to do with all the intricate and often mysterious social factors that are involved in going to junior high school.
"Who will like me?"
"Who will be my friends?"
"What lunch table will I be welcomed to?"
"What group will I fit into?"
"If I walk to school, will anyone want to walk with me?"
"If I ride the bus, who will I sit with?"
"Do I look OK?"
"Will I be included in stuff that happens after school and on weekends?"
Those are just the obvious questions. And, then, of course, there are all those confusing hormone and culturally driven questions having to do with sexuality and intimate relationships that become more and more important when we begin junior high.
Interestingly, when we dropped our youngest daughter off at college a few years ago, she had many of the same questions. Another daughter expressed the same concerns when she started a new job. Actually, I asked myself many of these questions a dozen years ago when I changed employers.
In some ways, it seems, we never leave seventh grade.
Clearly, some of us are more comfortable entering new social situations. Often this is a matter of basic personality. (Remember, personality is our generally consistent way of being in the world; we start with our basic biogenetic temperament, which is then shaped by our experiences into our personality.) Those of us who are born more open to new experiences, more extroverted, and less anxious, if raised in a good enough environment, will do better with new groups of people.
Even when we find meeting new people to be fairly easy, however, we have still considered the above list of questions at one time or the other. And even the most self-confident of us can be thrown off balance if we feel like we don't fit in, or if we experience real rejection.
Perhaps there are two lessons we can take away from this. First, we ought not to be surprised when we experience momentary - or even extended - feelings of anxiety when we are faced with new social situations. If we can accept such anxiety as normal, we actually will reduce its power and duration and be able to better adjust to our circumstances.
Second, when we see someone else faced with entering our own group of people, we might extend a welcome to them that will help ease their way in. Who knows, maybe somebody else will do that for us some time. It's worth a try.
• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."