Dealing with guilt - both the good and the bad

Can guilt be good?

Certainly no one likes to feel guilty. Nor are we all that fond of people who try to make us feel guilty (the proverbial guilt "trip"). And research suggests that guilt proneness is often correlated with low self-esteem, shyness, lack of social assertiveness and loneliness.

On the other hand, feelings of guilt can help us to pay more attention to others' legitimate needs, wants and emotions. They can keep us from acting in ways that are destructive to those around us. They alert us to social rules we may be violating. And they can motivate us to apologize and change our behaviors to make things better.

Confused? That's one of the problems with our feelings of guilt. Unless we have a fairly good understanding of why we feel guilty, we may not be able to sort out whether our guilt is good or not.

For example, if we were raised to put everyone else first, never standing up for ourselves, we can feel guilty anytime we try to assert our needs or wants. Or, if we were taught that we would not be loved if we disappointed others, we can feel guilty anytime we do something someone else might disapprove of.

That's bad guilt. Living a fulfilling and meaningful life necessarily involves negotiating our needs or wants, and sometimes disappointing people in the process.

However, let's say we believe that we should treat others as we would like to be treated. Then while driving to work we cut somebody off and then yell at them when they honk at us. We'll probably feel a twinge of guilt. And that feeling may lead us to slow down and drive more carefully.

Or we remember that we forgot to wish our son good luck on his math test today. Our guilt motivates us to call home after school, tell him we were thinking of him and ask him how things went.

Those are both examples of good guilt. Our feelings served a positive purpose in helping us to behave in ways that are healthier for us and the people around us.

Maybe we can come up with a rule of thumb for dealing with our guilt feelings. If we feel guilty because we have acted in ways that contradict our basic - healthy - beliefs and values about life and how to live it, then our guilt can serve a positive function.

When we feel guilt because we are going against unhealthy beliefs and values, then we need to let go of our guilt and work on healthier values and beliefs.

Like it or not, then, guilt can be good.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."